The Whitelocke "Parri Passu" defence back in business

The brouhaha over the Argentine sovereign debt litigation reminded me of some of my own finest work in front of the US 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals

Everyone at the Mosman Rower’s Club is talking about the Argentine Republic’s wildly entertaining court battle with its creditors. Argentina’s plucky attorney Jonathan Blackman Esq. delved into the T.B Whitelocke playbook and boldly submitted to the Court that his beloved Argentina would not voluntarily obey any order to pay the defaulted bondholders whenever it makes payments on restructured debt. Naturally the independently minded and flamboyantly passionate people of Argentina would consider this a violation of their sovereignty. To do otherwise would be to spit on the memory of Hugo Porta and the Libertador, José de San Martin.

In response to Mr Blackman’s argument (based largely on first principles of public international law and some obscure provisions of Andean Community of Nations’ Cartagena Agreement of 26 May 1969), U.S. Circuit Judge Reena Raggi asked:

“So the answer is you will not obey any order but the one you propose?”

Showing vision and nimble footwork worthy of any of the great Argentinean trequartistas, the ever-plucky Mr Blackman responded in emphatic terms “We would not voluntarily obey such an order.”

We all knew that was coming!

My dear friends Hernan Lorenzino, Argentina’s minister of economy, and Vice President Amado Boudou were, at the time, seated next to Blackman on the leather panelled counsel table as he addressed the bench and, knowing them as I do, they would have been rolling in the aisles.

I should mention that I have regularly enjoyed a Parilla, a glass or two of Malbec and an after dinner tango with Blackman, Lorenzino and Boudou as well as my other core Argentinean consigliore Sergio “Kun” Aguero, Gabriella Sabatini, Pope Francis I and firebrand former international rugby player Federico Mendez. Referring to ourselves as ‘Los Amigos para Siempre” we have been nigh on inseparable since an infamous and nationally televised celebrity capybara hunt organised by a charity sponsored by Sabatini in the early nineties.

Back to the hearing and Blackman went on to claim that a lower-court order obliging Argentina to pay the defaulted bonds whenever it makes payments on restructured debt would not only violate Argentina’s sovereignty but would threaten to trigger a new financial crisis and would quadruple the number of similar cases in New York federal court. It would, in short, clog up the entire US legal system with Argentinean Bond cases. Given the main purpose of the US court system is to create fodder for Law & Order episodes, Blackman submitted forcefully that this would make for fairly dry fare and could have dire ratings consequences for NBC.

Signing off in style, Blackman remarked “We’re representing a government and governments will not be told to do things that fundamentally violate their principles.”

Now we all know that this sovereignty mumbu jumbo is just a smokescreen to deflect the Court’s attention from the main issue. What is really at play is the uncertain meaning of the obscure ‘pari passu’ clause in the context of sovereign debt contracts.

The court has been alive to this problem since I pioneered both the use of the parri passu clause and then the strident criticism of its inherent ambiguities in an eerily similar dispute many years ago. That was, of course, when I was acting for the good people of the Chincha Islands (a humble archipelago close to the Peruvian town of Pisco – the home of the eponymous aphrodisiac) in their infamous Guano Bonds litigation.

It is a matter of public record that, in the earlier 1980s, the Chincha Islands issued millions of dollars worth of bearer bonds to retail investors in the South West United States backed only by its local guano deposits. When the first of the holders, a humble share cropper from New Mexico called Reynold if I recall, attempted to redeem his tranche of bonds (with a face value of no more than $1,000), the Chincha Islands promptly defaulted as the previously abundant supply of guano had, as it turned out, been thoroughly exhausted some forty years previous.

Instructed and summoned across the Pacific Ocean with all haste by the military junta that controlled the Chinchas at the time, I was able to resist against enforcement of an implied sovereign guarantee by arguing both limbs of the defence now in use by Blackman. In short, my argument was as follows:

1. the parri passu clause in any Chincha law document had to be read in light of the practice of skull binding that was widespread within the Paracas culture that thrived in the region around 300 BC; and
2. to require the Chincha government to pay the face value of the bonds would be the worst attack on Chincha sovereignty since Isabel II seized the islands in 1864.

Needless to say that the US 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals was wowed by my argument and though, ultimately unsuccessful, I received private congratulations from a slim majority of the Bench for my ingenuity and the quality craftsmanship of the paper mache skulls I tendered to demonstrate the long term implications of skull binding. My two-headed (though unbound) defence strategy is still taught in all law schools in South America (no doubt Blackman topped his class in this subject!).

We now wait to see whether the law has developed enough in the intervening years for the inherent rightness of this defence to be recognised by the Court. Mr Blackman will have my eternal thanks if he is able to put to bed the wrongs of the past. For the record the good people of the Chincha’s took the loss in the Guano Bonds matter in their stride and pressed on with appeal after appeal; the final outcome of which is still bogged down in the US legal system though it is said to be the subject of an upcoming episode of SVU.

Ask Bullstrode: How do I prepare for the apocalypse?

On the urging of the good people of Wollongong and Shell Harbour, I have re-enlivened my much loved advice column, featured in the Society Pages of the Illawarra Mercury in the 1980’s, entitled “Ask Bullstrode”. In its heyday, my column was the Blackstone’s commentaries of the self-help world, answering any and all questions posed by my readership on topics of importance to the people of the Illawarra, including relationship advice and, of course, statutory interpretation.

If you have any problem that you simply cannot resolve, like that of young Archibald set out below, please do not hesitate to write me at Level 8, Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers, 177 Phillip Street Sydney 2000, or at bullstrodewhitelocke@hotmail.com

Dear Bullstrode,

My name is Archie Clifford and I am a graduate lawyer in private practice in Melbourne. Like many of my friends I am concerned about the impending apocalypse. As a man who was heavily involved in most of the major conflicts of the last century, how would you suggest I best prepare myself?

Best regards,

Archie



* * * * *



Dear Archie,

Thank you for your note and kind words.

I am on the public record as having long foretold the end of the world. I was first alerted to the Mayan apocalypse by perhaps the world’s leading authority on the source, Maya Angelou. Over a warm chai tea in the balmy surrounds French Guyana in the late 60’s Maya told me to rethink the way I had interpreted the writings of one of my intellectual heroes, William à Beckett, and once I did, my whole world view changed.

While known more broadly as the first Chief Justice of Victoria, à Beckett was also a knight bachelor and a doomsday prophet and "prepper" of incredible vision. His works, under the nom du plum 'Colonus', such as “The Siege of Dumbarton Castle”, the “Literary News” and most vividly, his magnificent treatise “Does the Discovery of Gold in Victoria Viewed in Relation to its Moral and Social Effects as Hitherto Developed Deserve to be Considered a National Blessing or a National Curse?” were, on further investigation, riddled with opaque references to the apocalypse, Mayan gold and the Robbie Deans’ forthcoming reign of terror as Wallaby coach that had somehow escaped my notice on a superficial reading.

Appreciating the subtext, it became clear why his writings were considered so frightening they were said to have sparked the Eureka uprising and caused Damien Martyn to spontaneously retire from test cricket. I have been warning of, and preparing for, the end of days ever since.

I must confess though, until now I did have just the tiniest slither of doubt, because part of me thought we had dodged the apocalypse bullet when John Howard rolled Paul Keating as Prime Minister. However, having seen a news program last night called “the Walking Dead” I now know with certainty that the apocalypse, as foretold by Colonus, has already struck America and is sweeping towards us as I write.

As such gentle Archie, you are sensible to ask me what to do, because time is most certainly of the essence. Obviously you will already have constructed a bunker, that goes without saying, but as far as provisioning goes, I would suggest the following:

a) obtain as many semi-automatic machine guns as you can get your hands on (obviously this will be easier for those who live near a naval base);

b) grab as many of your neighbours' dogs and cats as you can get your hands on. Such urban livestock will prove invaluable as food supplies dwindle; and

c) beg, borrow or steal at least 100 copies of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship. This book is both an invaluable road map for apocalyptic survival and likely to be the official currency in the future wasteland that was Australia. As with the one-eyed man in the land of the blind, the owner of many of my obscure legal texts will be king in the land where they are as good as a stack of cold, hard cash. If all copies have already been looted, my other works such as ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’, ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’ and ‘From Chaloner Chute to Sir Loveban Lislebone Long: A History of 16th and 17th Century Lawmen with Riotous Names’ will be of equivalent value.

Special Christmas Invitation to Treat: A free legal opinion with every copy of On Lawmanship sold and $10 to charity‏

Dearly beloved,

Christmas is a time to reflect upon the good health of family, friends and the application of the doctrine of laches to those who arrive late to the eating of the Christmas pudding.

2012 has been an interesting year, I have had many great victories, and many narrow defeats, but such is the hurly burly of a life in the law.

My triumphs have included:
a) Leading Rwanda to a seat on the UN Security Council. Many, many nights of hard drinking with Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Peter Hargitay, Don Cheadle and Zsa Zsa Gabor eventually paying rich dividends;
b) Using all my powers of persuasion through days of fire-side whispering, gentle cajoling, neuro-linguistic programming and dark journeys into the hypnopompic states of consciousness to allow Steve Hooker to overcome the yips and soar back into medal contention at the Golden League High Jump meet in Lausanne;
c) Applying my training as a cartographer and my profound knowledge of the Pacific (developed during my youth on Pitcairn island) to hide Sandy/Sable Island from Google Maps thereby laying the foundations for a prime location for a piratical lair or an offshore processing centre for refugees; and
d) Finally freeing the micro-fauna of the Galapagos from the scourge formerly known as'Lonesome George'. A poacher's worst nightmare, this pesky tortoise had eluded me for nigh on a decade before I discovered his love for the moving siren songs of the popular chanteuse 'Skrillex'.

My defeats, though few, continue to sting:
a) Narrowly missing out on the job as CEO of the National Rugby League due to my controversial belief in the existence of potentially up to 14 limbs in Masters v Cameron;
b) Advising one of my blue chip clients, EB Private Equity, on their ill-fated tilt at storied retailer David Jones; and
c) Narrowly missing out to Stephen Gageler on elevation to the High Court because of my inability to identify Cameron Smith, Wendell Sailor or Jonathan Thurston when quizzed on the topic by Dyson Heydon.

Special Invitation to Treat

In keeping with the spirit of season, I am prepared to extend an incredibly generous invitation to treat to my learned readership. For the month of December, with every copy of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship purchased in Australia*, I will throw in, for no further consideration, a hand written opinion on any topic vexing the purchaser. If you provide me with a précis of the facts in question (no longer than 150 characters) I will opine definitively and without qualification and such opinion will be able to be used as compelling evidence in any commercial dispute and will, in my view, be binding on lower level courts and administrative tribunals in almost all Commonwealth jurisdictions.

Donation to Charity

In a final gesture of Christmas inspired bounteousness, I will give $10 from every Book & Opinion package sold in Australia* in the lead up to Christmas to the Sydney Story Factory, a not-for-profit creative writing centre for young people in Redfern, Sydney. A truly worthy cause, made particularly timely by Russel Crowe’s impending departure from “the Burrow” and the consequential requirement for a plucky local to pick up the pen and take carriage of the Book of Feuds going forward. You can read more about the Sydney Story Factory at http://bit.ly/PC3y4o.

Merry Christmas,

Your Obt. Svt.,

Bullstrode Whitelocke

Farewell Richard Ponting

The forthcoming retirement of the great Richard Ponting makes one remember the departures of the legends of my era, men like Ronald Oxenham, Albert Ernst Victor Hartkopf, Pud Thurlow, Affie Harwood Jarvis and his bitter enemy, Black Jack Blackham the Prince of Wicketkeepers. All great men and great servants to the game and I will be thinking of all of them as I watch Richard take guard for the final time.

Of those legends of days gone by, Blackham was, in many respects the most like Ponting. A magnificent fielder and a captain of a surprisingly nervous disposition, he led Australia to many crushing defeats against the old enemy, giving Ponting the inspiration to do the same many years later. He was also one of the last great cricketers to sport a thick bushranger beard throughout his career, a legacy from his early work as a bank clerk, where beardedness was seen as a private reassurance to customers in those straightened financial times. I had hoped Ponting was going to revive this lost art of grooming when he debuted in Perth with a carefully cultivated goatee beard, a promising start indeed, but over the years the bristles faded from view. A tragedy and probably the only disappointing aspect of Ponting’s legacy.

Another of my favourite cricketers of the days of yore is, of course, Ted a'Beckett. a’Beckett, like me was both a celebrated all-round sportsman and a man of the law. Ted certainly had my measure inside the pickets (although I troubled him more than a few times with my delicately flighted googlies), but on the boards of the district court I towelled him up so often he once told me he’d rather be facing that moustachioed demon Fred Spofforth than copping another Whitelocke broadside before a disapproving judiciary. That was all part of the game back then, soften them up with ad hominem verbal short balls then york them with some obscure and persuasive inswinging Canadian jurisprudence. Great memories!!

But memories, like those cricketing legends past, have faded into the pages of Wisden and soon will the deeds of the great R.T. Ponting. Farewell Richard, to me you will always be that incredible wunderkind, blessed with footwork and a hunger I have not seen in a Tasmanian since Alexander Pearce.

Book Extract: From Chaloner Chute to Sir Loveban Lislebone Long: A History of 16th and 17th Century Lawmen with Riotous Names

Sir Orlando Bridgeman (1606 –1674) 1st Baronet SL, English common law jurist, socialite, civil works advocate, crime fighter, lawyer, and beloved politician who sat in the House of Commons from 1640 to 1642.

Orlando Bridgeman (born Orlando Jones) was born shortly after the turn of the century into a wealthy family of highly regarded socialites and philanthropists. Tragically, as a child he witnessed his parents, John , Bishop of Chester, and Elizabeth , daughter of Reverend William Helyar, murdered at the hands of local brigands. Orlando narrowly escaped their gruesome fate by posing as an elderly female papist, before ultimately taking shelter under a bridge over the nearby River Douglas for 47 days and nights. Initially fearing the bridge, like a Bangladeshi batsman facing Shaoib Akhtar, he ultimately drew strength from his fear, then used his power over fear and his knowledge of bridges and their mysterious ways to his advantage. Re-emerging into society, he renamed himself Bridgeman, and dedicated his life to fighting for the causes his parents had so proudly supported.

Bridgeman fought many battles for the public good, most notably as a staunch Royalist in the English Civil War, his views a great source of comfort to myself, John, Tony and the other monarchist leaders during the dark days of Australia’s republican referendum period.

In April 1640, Bridgeman was elected Member of Parliament for Wigan in the Short Parliament. Despite widespread respect for his work as a wealthy vigilante, then, as now, the election in Wigan was dominated by concerns around Rugby League. Thankfully, Bridgeman’s platform, which was based around a desire to reduce teams from 45 players a side to the more exciting 38 a side format, was well received by an electorate starved of exciting football. Bridgeman spent time as an administrator of the Wigan Gentleman's Rugby League Football and Sandwich Commission before he was embroiled in a scandal over player payments exceeding the salary cap, which ultimately made his position untenable and led to an ignominious second rugby league life as a side-line commentator.

In 1642 he formed the “Ye Olde Justice League” with Lord Strange at Chester against the parliamentary forces of evil. “Lord Strange and Bridgeman” was later serialised into a popular comic strip in which they did battle against not only parliamentarians, but also characters many claim to be the earliest incarnations of Magneto and Dr Freeze. In time he received many honours, being knighted in 1643, acting as Custos Rotulorum of Cheshire, appointed Serjeant-at-Law, Lord Chief Baron of the Exchequer and Lord Keeper of the Great Seal. In the late 1980s he had a popular US basketball team named after him.
Aside from his more celebrated work as a crime fighter, Bridgeman was highly regarded in his time for his participation in the trial of the Regicides of King Charles I in 1660, a trial marked by the courage of those involved as they stood up for what was right by flip flopping back to the victors in a hysterical, grasping and unseemly attempt at self preservation. Bridgeman also devised complex legal instruments for the conveyance of land, instruments which have sadly fallen into disuse and which all of us who have waded through the simplistic nightmare that is Torrens System lament to this day.

Sadly, Bridgeman is credited with creating the Rule Against Perpetuities. The Rule Against Perpetuities is rightly considered a disaster, the first in a long line of intrusions by equitable concerns of "public policy" into contract law. When did it become against the public interest to draft contracts that ensure the remoteness of vesting? Beats me. At least he had the decency to take into account a period of gestation to cover a posthumous birth.

That one blemish aside, Bridgeman is rightly regarded as a great lawman of the 17th century and the only legal superhero who took his name from a vital piece of civic infrastructure.

Book Extract: From Chaloner Chute to Sir Loveban Lislebone Long: A History of 16th and 17th Century Lawmen with Riotous Names

Sir William Whorwood (c.1500-1545)

Sir William was not only fabulously named but he was one of the most significant lawmen of his time, acting as both Solicitor General (he replaced Richard Rich whom we have described earlier in this book) and then Attorney General under the reign of King Henry VIII.

Sir William’s father John, formerly John Percy, had been bestowed the name “Whorwood” by Richard III in 1484 in recognition of his family’s ownership of a popular “Whoring Forest” near Kinver. Under the Foliatus Laws in the 1400s, whoring in England was legal only in forests and other dense woodlands, due to the lingering druidic belief that one would be safe from contracting venereal disease or the sweating sickness if one did one’s business in and around native deciduous foliage, preferably that of the European Beech. After the introduction of these laws, intrepid entrepreneurs such as John Whorwood quickly snapped up most of England’s European Beech forests and charged merrymakers a hefty price for entry.

Wentwood Forest in South Wales, though technically a dense woodland, was a popular "forest of ill-repute" in 16th Century Britain.

Upon his father’s passing, the stable cash-flows provided to Sir William from his Whoring Forest allowed him the security to concentrate on his legal studies. Sir William took to the law with relish and his fantastic success as a lawman saw him become a man of great means. Sir William ultimately bought the manor of Kinver with Stourton as well as the rectory impropriate, quite a step up from the tree-house bordello his father had once occupied!

Sir William was survived by two (2) daughters:

a) Anne who married a man named Ambrose Dudley who was almost certainly a West Indian fast bowler; and

b) Margaret, who married Thomas Throckmorton, with whom we deal with in chapter 7.

Artist's impression of Ambrose Dudley

Bullstrode's Latin Phrasebook: Absens Haeres Non Erit

Absens Haeres Non Erit: Literally means that an absent person will not be an heir. In legal usage, the phrase refers to the principle that someone who is not present is unlikely to inherit a bounty.

As a firm believer in the veracity of this principle I spend a great deal of my time attending to the death-beds of ailing royals and wealthy but infirm socialites. In 1989 I famously travelled by air, land and sea for 3 days without sleep to be at the side of Hans-Adam II, Prince of Liechtenstein only to find the reports of the gravity of his illness had been grossly overstated and the good prince was in fact only suffering a mild cold.

While my commitment to not running afoul of the doctrine of absens haeres non erit has yet to result in me being bequeathed any real money or hereditary titles, I am determined not to miss out such an opportunity simply because I was not present at the relevant person’s passing. You can't catch a fish without your line in the water!

Christmas Tidings

Learned friends,

Whatever your religious beliefs and views on the evils of codified law, Christmas is a time for:

a) Gathering around the Nordic Yule goat and observing traditional Episcopalian Christmas practice by singing songs of praise to Jesus Christ like "Good King Wenceslas" and "Whence Is That Lovely Fragrance Wafting";

b) Sitting down with your family and reading aloud the dissenting judgment of Lord Justice Denning (as he then was) in Candler v Crane, Christmas & Co [1951] 2 KB 164 where he bravely held that a relationship enlivening a duty of care to future investors must be one where the relevant accountant or auditor preparing the accounts was aware of the particular person and intended use of the accounts being prepared; and

c) Getting heavily inebriated at Breakfast and appearing in the Waverly Local Court dressed as Santa Clause while announcing your appearance as celebrity raconteur and barrister Mark “Touchdown” Holden.

Truly a glorious time of year!

Along with those time-honoured rituals, like so many hard-working Australians, this year I will spend midnight on each of the 12 nights of Christmas reciting the last 60 pages of Ben Affleck's screen play for the Christmas classic “Reindeer Games” on the steps of the Downing Centre. I find these public recitations are more than just an important social good, they are a great time for reflection on the year that’s been. 2010 was a tumultuous year for yours truly; from the bitter lows of my unlucky (and possibly unconstitutional) loss in Eden Monaro and the continued silence in the mainstream media about my failure to be elevated to the High Court to the highest of professional highs, beating Jonathan Sumption QC in a best-of-three-real-tennis-sets match at my local jeu de paume club and successfully avoiding the inland revenue for yet another year. Indeed a time to remember!

I hope that you also had a successful year on your path to lawmanship.

To you and yours, seasons greetings and all the best for a happy, healthy and jurisprudentially conservative 2011.

Your obt. svt.,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.


May the road rise up to meet you.

May your harm be reasonably foreseeable.

May the Court registry staff shine warm upon your face,

and complaints about your fees soft upon your ears.

And until we meet again,

May Denning MR hold you in the palm of His hand.

A letter to Edward McGuire regarding 'Junior MasterLawman'

Dear Edward Joseph McGuire AM,

I write to you in your capacity as de facto programming director for Channel Nine, with what I consider to be the most exciting television opportunity since the second season of William Cosby’s ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’.

With some considerable degree of interest, I have observed your ongoing stoush with your rivals at Channel 10 over the past few years. I applauded when you answered Channel Ten’s introduction of ‘Californication’ with Charlie Sheen’s irrepressible ‘Two and a Half Men’. I gasped at your audacity when Ten’s ‘Bondi Rescue’ found itself up against Charlie Sheen’s laugh-a-minute ‘Two and a Half Men’. And I marvelled at the way that you undermined Channel Ten’s gritty Australian drama series ‘Good News Week’ with yet another round of Charlie Sheen’s half hour long laugh-fest ‘Two and a Half Men’.

As I write this you are, however, possibly at your lowest ebb. Indeed, you may feel that no amount of cocaine and prostitute fuelled family comedy will undo the damage wrought on your brand by Channel Ten’s incredibly successful ‘MasterChef’ and ‘Junior MasterChef’ franchises.

Fear not, Mr McGuire. Unlike Ricky Ponting when he considers who to throw the ball to or the voters of Myanmar, you have options available to you.

You are all too familiar with concepts I have previously pitched to your station including “Sea Shanty Singing Bee with Uncle Bullstrode” and “Summer Clerks Gone Wild” but one option that is available to you may just change the paradigm of Australian television: ‘Junior MasterLawman[1]’. Twelve contestants, aged between 8 and 14 compete to win Australia’s most coveted young professional title ‘Junior MasterLawman’. Each week, contestants will be challenged to perform a feat of lawmanship, to be marked by a celebrity panel comprised of Matt Preston, Mike Whitney[2] and a full bench of the Supreme Court of New South Wales Court of Appeal. My thumbnail sketch of likely challenges, in increasing order of complexity/difficulty, include:
- completing an ASIC form 312;
- completing an ASIC form 484;
- drafting a design and construction contract in relation to a piece of major strategic infrastructure between the hours of 10pm and 5am on limited instructions and with a crippling hangover;
- entering into a sham divorce settlement to protect the contestant’s assets from the skeletal hand of the ATO, evading ATO process for more than 3 years and ultimately declaring bankruptcy, at all times without paying a cent towards public coffers;
- appearing in a High Court of Australia special leave application against Bret Walker SC;
- explaining the rationale behind, and operation of, the Personal Property Securities Act, with a particular focus on joint-venture cross charges.

A youngster discovers, too late, the dangers of the contra proferentem rule

One can instantly imagine families across the nation crowding around the television set every Sunday night, wondering if little Johnny will remember to include a subrogation clause or whether plucky little Jess from Launcestion will ever remember ambiguitas verborum patens nulla verificatione excluditur!

Obviously the merchandising possibilities are limitless. It is not unreasonable to expect glossy hard cover books entitled “Comfort Drafting with Justice Hammerschlag” or “Whitelocke and Preston: the Perfect Food and Deed Poll Pairings” to cover the coffee tables of a Nation that cannot get enough of the show or its unlikely, rapscallion stars.

You are a simple man, Mr McGuire, and no doubt your mind is spinning at the obvious commercial possibilities presented by Junior MasterLawman. I will allow you a moment to pause and reflect.

Agreed, an amazing idea.

If you are interested in pursuing this matter further, please contact me at the address below:

T Bullstrode Whitelocke KC
Barrister-at-Law
Mosman, NSW 2088

[1] © T Bullstrode Whitelocke 2010
[2] Mr Whitney has confirmed that he would ‘appear at the opening of an envelope’ and that he would be willing to wear his referee’s uniform from ‘Gladiators’ if required.

Ask Bullstrode: What to wear to a Masquerade Ball

On the urging of the good people of Wollongong, I have decided to re-enliven my much loved advice column, featured in the Society Pages of the Illawarra Mercury in the 1980’s, entitled “Ask Bullstrode”. In its heyday, my column was the Blackstone’s commentaries of the self-help world, answering any and all questions posed by my readership on topics of importance to the people of the Illawarra, including relationship advice and, of course, statutory interpretation.

If you have any problemn that you simply cannot resolve, like that of young Jeremey Tompkins set out below, please do not hesitate to write me at Level 8, Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers, 177 Phillip Street Sydney 2000, or at bullstrodewhitelocke@hotmail.com

Dear Mr Whitelocke [K.C.],

I have been invited to a 'Masquerade' Ball which is being held at Doltone House in a few weeks' time. Not having been to an event such as this before, and keenly aware of the need, as an Officer of the Court, to preserve my dignity and decorum, I wonder would you be so good as to give me some direction as to what I should wear?

Many thanks,

Jeremy Tompkins, Randwick.

Dear Jeremy,

Indeed a good, and important, question. Thank you for having the good sense to have sought my advice. I first attended a masquerade ball at Palazzo Labia in Venice in 1951, which was hosted by my dear friend and long time bocce rival Carlos “the Jackal” de Beistegui. This was a surprisingly riotous affair after which I was wrongly accused of all sorts of nefarious acts. Nevertheless, the tangible social and legal benefits, and the endless possibilities arising out, of being masked in public were made abundantly clear to me that fateful night.

Despite my profound enjoyment of this form of recreation in my youth, I have unfortunately not been to a masquerade ball since Lionel Murphy’s 40th birthday party in 1962. That soiree was billed as the party of the year. Emboldened by the spirit of the times, I foolishly attended disguised as the redoubtable 1920’s Country Party Leader Earle Page. As was all too predictable with the benefit of hindsight, I was immediately set upon and beaten viciously by environmentalists, hipsters and other Labor Party apparatchiks. Since that time, I have frankly been too scared to attend any event where I cannot be certain that such lowlifes are not in attendance (the other edge to the double edged sword of being masked in public).

I do remain, however, Australia’s foremost expert on appropriate dress at masquerade balls. In your case sir, as an officer of the court, common decency would demand that you strictly adhere to the dress code laid down by the 18th Century ducal court of Burgundy. As I’m sure you’re aware, this will mean you should wear a Van Dyke beard, a venetian carnival mask and have the rest of your costume made entirely from flax and pitch. Presumably this is what you were planning to wear in any case.

Kind regards,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.

Doing a runner from the Cab-Rank Principle

Recently, while haranguing my old sparring partner Kerry O’Brien about the increasing sexualisation of ABC’s formerly family orientated “Songs of Praise”, Kerry accused me of ‘playing the man, not the ball’. He pointed out that my criticism of the ABC and Songs of Praise was merely a politically correct way to pan the embarrassing aesthetic decline of Aled Jones and the team, a soft target for a populist rant if ever there was one. Not for the first time in the conversation, I remarked upon Kerry’s perspicacity and the fearsome orange glow of his head-hearth, which in days gone by would not doubt have served as an invaluable communication device between distant villages in times of Viking attack.

Mr Kerry O’Brien, a constant bulwark against Viking attack

Kerry was, however, as always, correct. I was like a politician, railing against ‘people smugglers’ instead of coming clean to the electorate and explaining that, in fact, they didn’t care at all about a couple of Indonesians making a dirty buck, but were kept awake at night by the fear that one day their coffee on Avenue Road, Mosman, would be served by someone whose ‘single origin’ was, like the coffee, from somewhere unpronounceable, causing them to make awkward jokes about long blacks and Arabica beans while backing out the door.

As one would expect for a man of my seniority and media appeal, this was not the first time that I had been rightly accused of this very vice. Now, dear reader, cast you mind back to the summer of ‘92 when I appeared on a special pilot edition of Q&A on a panel comprised of Sir Gustav Nostle, Hazem El Masri, Lee Lin Chin and Che Cokatoo Collins, to discuss multi-culturalism in the early nineties. As the show commenced I immediately launched into a lengthy retelling of the development of my famously successful tactic of demonising a group of individuals, already unpopular in the general public, in order to surreptitiously take shots at a political sacred cow. Of course I am referring to my famous campaign against taxi drivers in order to bring down the cab-rank principle!

Throughout history, the cab-rank principle has been the unspoken cormorant around the neck of barristers the world over. This is because an unfortunate (and, if I may be so bold as to suggest, unforeseen) bi-product of the cab-rank principle is that you find yourself having to act for literally anyone who finds their way to your door, regardless of how unpleasant their cause of action or personal hygiene! This absolute nightmare, which my glorious forebear Bulstrode (sic) Whitelocke fought so hard against in the 1600s, continues to haunt us today! Well it did, until I took matters into my own hands.

Bulstrode [sic] Whitelocke, a man of uncommon courage and benevolence

Throughout my career at the Bar I had spent many an idle Tuesday afternoon reflecting upon how I could tear down the anti-competitive nonsense of the cab-rank principle, without undermining my reputation in the community as a powerful advocate of social justice and “the little guy”*.

After considering this proverbial Scylla and Charybdis at length, it occurred to me that if I launched a vitriolic campaign against taxi drivers, I could create a situation whereby their passengers, the real cause of my discomfort, would simply not be able to avail themselves of my sought after legal acumen.

I started testing the public’s temperature to this position on my weekly talk-back radio appearances by letting it be known that taxi drivers are motivated by profit. These human traffickers were demanding payment for driving passengers to their desired destinations, often in amounts that would make Jonathan Sumption QC blush, most particularly when coming from the airport or when the taxi had been pre-booked!!

Understandably, the public didn’t like what it was hearing and the reassuring voice of Uncle Bulli was there to keep stoking the flames. Slowly but surely I ramped up my attacks until stopping cab-drivers and the ever-increasing arrival of their passengers all over Sydney became the most important and divisive political issue of the day. This masterful political strategy culminated in me using my influence in the NSW government to establish an offshore processing centre for taxi passengers on Pitcairn Island.

With stage one complete, the second phase of my inspired plan was to ride the wave of grassroots opposition to taxi drivers and their miserable human cargo by announcing that I would read my professional and ethical obligations under the cab-rank principle strictly. That is, that the cab-rank principle did not oblige me to take a brief unless my prospective client had literally arrived by taxi. Furthermore, I would only accept clients that arrived by means of a taxi that had been processed offshore and which originated from the regional cab-rank in Pitcairn. I then created a further (objectively fair but substantively unfair) criterion** by only receiving clients between 3 and 4pm and 3 and 4am – the time where no taxis in the world operate, not even water taxis from the South Pacific!

Looking for a taxi at 3pm in downtown Adelaide

In a matter of days I was able to rid myself of the burdensome nightmare that was the cab rank principle without ever having to say a bad word about the people for whom I was meant to act!

As you can imagine, this compelling tale took up the full hour of the show and thankfully neither Tony Jones nor any panellist (not even the usually effusive Ms Lin Chin) were able to get a word in edgewise. I then, naturally, exercised the privilege against self incrimination and refused to take any questions from the audience whom I feared to be filled with unsympathetic hipsters and Mark Latham.

This legendary performance allowed the ABC to receive funding for a full season of Q&A within only 27 years, a mere blink of the eye in the scheme of things. The ABC’s debt of gratitude to me remains, however, tragically unpaid.

* I had spent years as the President of the Senate Committee for Access to Justice during my time in parliament and I was, at the time, particularly eager not be seen to do anything that would impinge on my chances of being elevated to the High Court under the increasingly radical left-wing Labor Government of the day.

**My thanks to Emile Durkheim and Anatole France for that little pearler.

The Rent is Too Damn High

As a young man, like so many of my friends, I had an informal profit-à-prendre (in gross) over large tracts of land in Sydney, from which I took natural resources, wild game and briefs. After a time of this carefree existence I decided I needed to establish a more formal base for my burgeoning legal practice. It was this desire for a possessory interest in land that inspired me, in the late 1940s, to turn the first sod on the ground that later would become Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers in Phillip Street. At the time, the standard rental arrangement with the James McGirr New South Wales State Government was that if you cleared any land south of Bridge Street you could rent it for 20 years for a literal peppercorn (being highly sought-after at the time for their laxative qualities).

As you can imagine, the gross margin my Practice ran at in those heady days of free rent and relentless lawsuits over Victoria’s controversial success in the 1947 Claxton Shield was the envy of legal practitioners the world over.

Unfortunately since that time, through a slow and pernicious creeping death of incremental hikes, the rent on my chambers has now reached astronomical proportions. These days I am literally living hand to mouth while my landlord grows fat off the fruits of my labour. This situation has become untenable and it is for that reason that I am pleased to announce I have engaged my dear friend and regular New York gubernatorial candidate James McMillan as the collective bargaining agent for the Barristers of Piddington Chambers to take up our noble cause against Barristers' Chambers Limited in our forthcoming rent review.

Lawmen in Popular Culture

I recently constituted a Citizens' Assembly, with the aim of reaching a community consensus as to whether the Spectrum Plus approach to the characterisation of fixed charges over book debts ought to be persuasive in Australian courts.

It was, understandably and like most Citizens’ assemblies held to solve incredibly technical problems, a free-ranging and jovial affair, that touched on many areas of community concern about this pressing issue. In one of the many, many moments of levity that punctuated the discussion, Geert van der Staiij, my Dutch neighbour and a possible future 'non est factum' test case, remarked "Mr Bullstrode, why do lawyers think that people like to hear them speak?"

It was a good question and one to which I spoke at length. While my response largely centred around the growing acceptance of my controversial theory that those in our society of higher moral and intellectual capability (lawyers) are under a natural law fiduciary duty to impart their wisdom on those around them*, minutes 22-24 were dedicated to the prevalence of lawyers in pop culture. The highlights were:

(a) Few people know that David E. Kelly was inspired to write ‘The Practice’ after witnessing footage of me in chambers quietly reading a brief, sipping port and consulting the CLRs. Ultimately, studio heads had their way and the pilot episode ‘Bobby Donnell reads Perre v Apand Pty Ltd 198 CLR 180’ was replaced with something boring about criminal law, sex and a law firm in Boston. Nevertheless, many neutral observers are still struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.


I am struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.

(b) The runaway success of an episode of “20 to 1” that I co-chaired with my dear friend Bertrand Newton entitled “20 to 1 most outrageous uses of the rule in Foss v Harbottle”. Apparently Channel 9’s switchboard lit up when the famous incident of the Rolling Stones ratifying an alleged wrong by simple majority on their 1973 tour of North America was listed as Number 1!

(c) An account of the statistically proven fact that lawyers are deeply hilarious individuals. Consider successful comedians such as Tom Gleisner, James O’Loughlin, Sean Micalleff, Judge Joe Brown and Neville Wran who all obtained their comedic grounding via the time-honoured route of a bachelor of laws degree. The relationship between legal learning and hilarity is, of course, not a recent development. Indeed the Third Protectorate Parliament under the speakership of noted legal humourist Chaloner Chute was considered the “Packed to the Rafters” of the 1600s.



*While this may seem pure vanity, it is, in reality, an incredibly heavy burden to bear. It regularly takes me more than 4 hours to traverse the 80 odd metres from my Phillip Street Chambers to the Supreme Court, as I am obliged to lecture every single non-lawyer I come across on:

(a) my many lifetime achievements;

(b) their many failings (based on my reasonably formed initial perceptions), both remediable and irremediable; and

(c) the means by which any such remediable failings may be rectified.

Law Society of NSW - Council Elections

Lawmen of New South Wales,

Commeth the hour, commeth the man. I am writing to you by electronic transmission to ask your support as I seek election for the Large Firm position at this year’s Law Society Council elections. This email is unrelated to any I may have previously sent to your in your capacity as a potential conduit of Nigerian financing opportunities. For the avoidance of doubt, those offers remain open.

At literally any moment now you will receive your ballot papers from the NSW Law Society. Here is what I will stand for when I am elected to the Law Society Council:

a) The wholesale repeal of CLERP 7, in all of its insidious guises.
b) The appointment of Wyatt Roy and Justin Bieber to the Juvenile Justice Sub-Committee of the Law Society of NSW.
c) Using the corporations power to overcome the High Court’s lamentable Octaviar decision.
d) Convening a citizens’ assembly to resolve once and for all whether there is a fifth category in Masters v Cameron.
e) Outlawing severability clauses.
f) Stopping jurisprudential waste and turning back the boats.

For those of you that are unaware of my many, many distinguished years as a Lawman, I have set out below a brief ‘snap shot’ of career highlights:

· Career victories against Sir Garfield Barwick: 2

· Golden Gavel winner, 1945

· Internationally renowned authority on the training and discipline of hounds

· Author of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition and countless other learned texts, including ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’ and ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’

In short, I will bring erudition, accountability, dignity and a detailed knowledge of the training of hounds to the role of large Firm Member, which for too long has been dominated by the vested interests of solicitors who work for large firms.

If you agree that these ideas are right for our time, then please vote for me in the Law Society Council elections.

A faint heart never won a fair maiden. Be brave and vote.

Kind regards,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, President of the Australian Chapter of the Stone Masons, 18 times Heraclitus Society Man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal.
Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers

Carry on Whitelocke, Openly

Way back in the 1950s, long before vacuum cleaners and Dr Phil ruined the work ethic of domestic help throughout Australia, Sydney was a very different place. A largely lawless and agrarian city (much like modern day Adelaide), a good portion of the city was covered by a mixture of ambitious pastoral lands and dense virgin bushland, teeming with abundant wildlife. Whilst scurrying from chambers to Court it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men or even game such as the nail-tailed wallaby or the ever-aggressive Green and Golden Bell Frog on one’s way to Court.

it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men…

For the obvious reasons it was essential to be heavily armed at all times.

In time, our habit of bearing arms for personal protection developed into the genteel practice of barristers carrying ornate pistols on their hips* at all times. In these stylish and practical days the seniority of a barrister could instantly be ascertained by the make and calibre of the pistols he carried and easy laughs could be had at the expense of the many, many barristers with ‘double barrelled’ surnames! King’s Counsel would wear Colt .45s with carved ivory grips and were always accompanied by a small team of specially trained juniors to carry and operate light artillery on their behalf.

Having become so accustomed to being “packing heat” whilst striding about Philip Street, I was shocked to learn that this practice had fallen into disuse in many overseas jurisdictions**. Imagine my astonishment when, in the mid 70’s I attempted to bring a semi-automatic rifle and a decorative stock whip to a party hosted by Nelson Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger (for then president Gerald Ford) only to be subject to the outrageous indignity of being asked to leave these essential parts of my carefully considered outfit in the cloakroom. Luckily enough, the furious and wide ranging tirade I unleashed at the doorman, which traversed the Constitution, Boilermakers (I persuasively argued that Geoff the Doorman was improperly acting as a Chapter III court), Magna Carta, the FIFA Laws of the Game, the Destruction of Wild Dogs Act and the Gentoo Code, was overheard by the vast majority of America’s right wing intellectual establishment who, moved by the jurisprudential perspicuity of my arguments, focussed the furious power of their legal learning into the matter. It soon became accepted that the Second Amendment of the American Constitution ensured a right for all citizenry to not only bear arms, but to be able to do so openly and without fear of molestation from the long arm of the law. Over time, my principled stand on that steamy day in October became known as the genesis of the “Open Carry” movement.

Before long, the Open Carry movement swept America, returning the country to the golden days of the 1820s where every citizen openly bore arms and all interpersonal disputes were settled quickly and decisively. I consider the opening scene in “the Last Boy Scout”+ to be the high watermark of this movement, a cinematic moment inspired by the short period I coached Little League Grid Iron in Oakland, and regularly encouraged my players to Open Carry during playoff games.

Thanks to me, Americans, unlike Australians, can buy coffee in safety.

An Open Carry fishing trip on Lake Michigan

Sadly the liberties protected by the Open Carry movement have not found widespread acceptance in Australia. These days, it is regularly said that the right to bear arms is as ridiculous as the right to arm bears. This statement continues to be patently wrong and was made many years before my successful program of conscripting and training koala bears to patrol mosman, protecting it against the tide of Catholic boat people that would otherwise overwhelm it. Unfortunately neither major party included Open Carry as a major policy item at the last election, and in the many drafts of the proposed Bills of Rights for Australia I have criticised, I am yet to see Open Carry receive even the most cursory of recognition. No wonder our country is in such a state.

Of course, being the wag I am, although I am no longer permitted to Open Carry firearms in Court, I continue to follow the principles of the movement in my own way. The most obvious manifestation of this is my habit of ‘Open Carrying’ prerogative writs. Rarely will you see me in public without an openly displayed blank writ of mandamus sticking out of my belt. The threat is essential. Prevention is better than cure.

* Ironically, in 1992 my impulsive decision to fire one of these pistols at Young J proved the inspiration behind the introduction of the metal detectors in the New South Wales Supreme Court. A further erosion of the right of Open Carry in Australia.
** Not, however, in Indonesia where the colourful gun toting barrister Paris Hotman Hutapae remains the paradigm of a modern warrior/scholar man of the law.
+ when a troubled footballer who knows his rights opens fire on his rivals as they try to tackle him.

Bullstrode's Latin Phrase Book: Ab Ovo

Ab ovo usque ad mala: Literally means from the egg to the apples.

This phrase gained prominence after its usage in Horace’s Satire 1.3 and has come to mean "from beginning to end". Apparently this meaning derives from diet of Ancient Rome, where the main meal of the day began with an egg dish (Florentine or Benedict one would hope) and would end with some fruit. In legal phraseology, ab ovo has to connote thoroughness – i.e. to read a document from beginning to end.

As you will know from the section in On Lawmanship 3rd Edition on proper legal drafting, as a firm believer in “top and tailing”, I rarely, if ever, read a document from beginning to end. Life’s too short. When I say to clients I will review their documents “ab ovo”, I quite literally mean I will have a summer clerk review the document (lightly) while I recline nearby eating an egg followed by a red delicious, usually while wearing a toga.

Alternative Dispute Resolution

Our cousins across the pacific (hereafter “Americans” and “The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World”) consider themselves innovators. To give them their credit, it is true that Americans invented the internet, global warming and many of the socially disruptive forms of devil music that currently plague our wireless airwaves and encourage our young people into risky romantic encounters with drugs and hipsters like Natasha Stott-Despoja.

Indeed, after hearing that it was recently (sensibly) suggested that a contractual dispute be determined by a man vs werewolf push up competition (Werewolf Pushups ADR) one might be forgiven for thinking that The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World were legal innovators. However, keen readers of the Whitelocke loose-leaf service would be well aware of some of the more innovative alternative dispute mechanisms I have used over the years, that long pre-dated contractually decisive feats of strength between man and werewolf.

While I am famed* for my assiduously litigious nature** and would never actively seek to circumvent the long and expensive court process, I have on behalf of others applied my mind towards engineering innovative alternative dispute resolution solutions.

For example, in 1964 I suggested that a seemingly intractable joint venture company deadlock dispute be settled by a “Race Around the World”. The Race garnered national media attention and proved a highly successful outcome for my client the Bank of Adelaide. Immediately after the counter-party to the dispute, Robert Holmes à Court , left Australia, the Bank petitioned the Court for a just and equitable winding up of the joint venture company due to the likelihood that the ravages of dysentery and various local wars in Africa and Central America would almost certainly see Mr Holmes à Court perish during the race. My client was able to complete the purchase of the remaining 50% of the shares at fire-sale prices before Robert would return to Australia to national celebrity but financial ruin. I was the first to throw the confetti at his welcome back ticker-tape parade and to this day we remain the firmest of friends.

In the mid-90’s I pioneered the use of the following clause for all dispute resolution:

1.1 Notification of Disputes
(a) A party must not commence any arbitration or court proceedings relating to any material dispute arising out of or relating to this deed (Dispute) unless it has complied with the provisions of this clause.

(b) A party claiming that a Dispute has arisen must give written notice to the other party stating that a Dispute has arisen and setting out the nature of the Dispute (Dispute Notice).

(c) Within 25 Business Days of receipt of a Dispute Notice, each party must nominate 13 current employees of the legal representatives who acted for that party in connection with the deed the sublect of the Dispute (Team) and give written notice to each other party of the identity of those representatives.

1.2 Dispute Resolution
(a) Within 20 Business Days of the date of a Dispute Notice, each Team must meet at Lang Park (the Cauldron) to resolve the Dispute by playing 80 minutes of rugby league (the Match). All aspects of the Match, except the fact of its occurrence, must be kept confidential and all communications and interaction between representatives at the Match are made under “State of Origin” conditions, including (without limitation) by taking one game at a time, on a without prejudice mate vs mate, state vs state basis and, to the maximum extent permitted by law, the Match will not be subject to review by the NSWRL Judiciary or other Judicial Body.

(b) The result of the Match is final and binding upon the parties and is not subject to review or appeal except in the case of manifest video referee error of fact.

During the wonderful period in the 90s when this clause was considered boilerplate in many commercial contracts, I employed the following people on part time or casual basis:

Mail room

Terry “the Axe” Gillmeister

John Lomax

Glen Lazarus

Quentin Pongia

Ruben Wiki

Jarrod McCracken

Gordon Tallis

Catering

David “Cement” Gillespie (made a surprisingly good latte’)

Paul Sironen

Hitro Okesene

Aussie Joe Bugner

Jonah Lomu

Va'aiga Tuigamala

Foreign counsel (not Australia Qualified)

Adrian Morley

James Brian Hellwig (trading as “the Ultimate Warrior”)

The Houston Oilers’ Robert Brazile and young Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis

The above persons, with me obviously scheming out of dummy half, ensured that all my clients successfully resolved their disputes and made it very difficult for their opponents to recover (financially and physically). The enthusiasm with which young employees like Cement, Sirro and Ray Lewis enforced exceptions to the parol evidence rule upon pasty and terrified summer clerks from other Sydney law firms was a sight to behold!

Ruben Wiki making another urgent internal mailrun


* Indeed, worshipped in Guam the spiritual home of aggresive litigation.

**Having incorrectly been deemed a vexatious litigant on any number of occasions

Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap

After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.

TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT

Requests for information

1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.

2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:

a. Kate Ellis;

b. Kerry O’Brien;

c. Harold Holt; and

d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.

3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.

4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).

5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.

6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.

7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.


I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.


*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

Eden-Monaro Decides: An Open Letter to the People of Eden-Monaro

Citizens of Eden-Monaro,

Tomorrow is a very important day for our fledgling democracy. If you are anything like me, you will wake up at approximately 4am, have a glass of riesling then hunt local birdlife until dawn. It is two hours after this most symbolic of dawns, when polls open, that I ask you to write down my name. In that poll booth, whether in the Berridale Community Centre, the Cobargo school of Arts or the Queanbeyan District Hospital, you will have the choice to meekly continue down a path that leads us all to certain ruin, or to take a sharp right and boldly stride into a glorious new future.

Although you need no reminding, here are some of my many achievements which make me uniquely qualified to govern Eden-Monaro and which should help you make that brave and necessary decision:

i) I have received countless personal awards, including but not limited to the Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, 18 times Heraclitus Society man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal;

ii) I invented the after-dinner filibuster to avoid awkward conversations and masterminded the 1975 dismissal;

iii) I am close personal friends with German Chancellor Angela Merkel as well as cricket luminaries Sir Vivian Richards and Paul “Blocker” Wilson;

iv) I introduced both the Crown of Thorns Starfish and the European Carp into Australasian Waters;

v) I am, by some distance, the oldest candidate ever to run for the House of Representatives; and

vi) I have shot 3 Asiatic bears, 2 of which fatally.

But enough about me, tomorrow is about you and your future. I trust you will make the right decision.

My fondest wishes to you all,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
(by electronic transmission)

Eden Monaro Decides: A day in the life of a hardworking candidate with uncommonly good posture

Gentle reader,

A somewhat surprising fact that has come to my attention throughout this campaign is that the young folk in the boxing clubs and calisthenics clinics of the Southern Highlands are interested in the day to day of an election campaign. And so, a brief insight into an average day in the life of a hardworking candidate for the seat of Eden Monaro.

6am: Early morning constitutional. Tony Abbott religiously rides 38 km every morning to prepare himself, mentally and physically for the day ahead. I have never owned a bicycle and am deeply suspicious of those that do. My preferred form of early-morning exercise is a stimulating 4 hour hunt of the elusive Hoary-headed Grebe with my good friends Matt Preston and Ben Cousins.

The elusive Hoary-headed Grebe

10am Hearty breakfast of Hoary Headed Grebe on sour-dough with a glass of sherry.

11am Strategy planning session at campaign HQ (the front room of the Pambula bowls club) with my campaign advisers. This is an intense 15 minute session at which we discuss the latest numbers: namly the poll results on www.news.com.au "Entertainment" section, the latest European Carp population figures and the mysteries of pi.

11.15am - 1pm Radio appearances. In this exciting technological age every candidate for election must put his best foot forward in all forms of media. I was lucky enough to be described by Barry White as having 'the voice of an angel' and leverage off this at every opportunity. Of course, I insist that all radio appearances are scripted by my advisers, that my commercial sponsors receive an even handed treatment and that I am permitted to bring my vintage 1950s 'Hornblower' microphone.

So, there you have it - another exhausting day comes to a close!