Ask Bullstrode: What to wear to a Masquerade Ball

On the urging of the good people of Wollongong, I have decided to re-enliven my much loved advice column, featured in the Society Pages of the Illawarra Mercury in the 1980’s, entitled “Ask Bullstrode”. In its heyday, my column was the Blackstone’s commentaries of the self-help world, answering any and all questions posed by my readership on topics of importance to the people of the Illawarra, including relationship advice and, of course, statutory interpretation.

If you have any problemn that you simply cannot resolve, like that of young Jeremey Tompkins set out below, please do not hesitate to write me at Level 8, Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers, 177 Phillip Street Sydney 2000, or at bullstrodewhitelocke@hotmail.com

Dear Mr Whitelocke [K.C.],

I have been invited to a 'Masquerade' Ball which is being held at Doltone House in a few weeks' time. Not having been to an event such as this before, and keenly aware of the need, as an Officer of the Court, to preserve my dignity and decorum, I wonder would you be so good as to give me some direction as to what I should wear?

Many thanks,

Jeremy Tompkins, Randwick.

Dear Jeremy,

Indeed a good, and important, question. Thank you for having the good sense to have sought my advice. I first attended a masquerade ball at Palazzo Labia in Venice in 1951, which was hosted by my dear friend and long time bocce rival Carlos “the Jackal” de Beistegui. This was a surprisingly riotous affair after which I was wrongly accused of all sorts of nefarious acts. Nevertheless, the tangible social and legal benefits, and the endless possibilities arising out, of being masked in public were made abundantly clear to me that fateful night.

Despite my profound enjoyment of this form of recreation in my youth, I have unfortunately not been to a masquerade ball since Lionel Murphy’s 40th birthday party in 1962. That soiree was billed as the party of the year. Emboldened by the spirit of the times, I foolishly attended disguised as the redoubtable 1920’s Country Party Leader Earle Page. As was all too predictable with the benefit of hindsight, I was immediately set upon and beaten viciously by environmentalists, hipsters and other Labor Party apparatchiks. Since that time, I have frankly been too scared to attend any event where I cannot be certain that such lowlifes are not in attendance (the other edge to the double edged sword of being masked in public).

I do remain, however, Australia’s foremost expert on appropriate dress at masquerade balls. In your case sir, as an officer of the court, common decency would demand that you strictly adhere to the dress code laid down by the 18th Century ducal court of Burgundy. As I’m sure you’re aware, this will mean you should wear a Van Dyke beard, a venetian carnival mask and have the rest of your costume made entirely from flax and pitch. Presumably this is what you were planning to wear in any case.

Kind regards,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.

Eden-Monaro decides: Further Policy Initiatives

Having just received the latest Nielson Poll, which sees me an alarming 48 points behind my enemies Gazard and Kelly, I have decided to announce some non-costed, last-minute policy initiatives which I sincerely believe should give me the necessary bump over the line:

a) Literal barrels of pork for every man, woman and child in Eden-Monaro. The pork is sourced entirely from Tantawangalo farmers and, like the Labor government’s economic stimulus package, will also be paid to expatriots and the recently deceased;


b) I will build a first-class graduate research university in Tumut. This university will be based on INSEAD but will instead be called “INSTAD” (which stands for Institut Tumut d'Administration des Affaires). Classes will be entirely taught in French and the only courses available will be a PhD in Philology, PhD in Seneca the Younger and a PhD in Lucretius. Tuition will start at $42,000 per annum (note: there will be no HECS places); and


c) I will create a scheme to collect water from the Snowy Mountains. This brilliant idea will see us finally utilising Eden-Monaro’s natural resources for financial gain! I propose to divert water through tunnels in the mountains and then store it in dams (This will have the added benefit of increasing the possible habitats for European Carp). Power stations will then use this water to create electricity with any excess water pumped back into the Murrumbidgee River. I estimate that, all up, this project will take twenty-five years to complete and cost approximately $820,000,000. It will also lead to massive migration into Eden-Monaro which, while being superficially inconsistent with my radical views on immigration, will ultimately help us build the type of standing army required to secede from the Commonwealth.

If none of these strategies work, I will be hoping Mark Latham’s televised plea for people to hand in blank ballot forms is successful. This idea is based, I assume, on my dear friend Richard Pryor’s unorthodox 1985 New York mayoral campaign - A television news article on which is set out below. The reason this course of action would have such a profound impact on my campaign is because my “core” typically watch repeats of Gardening Australia rather than commercial television on a Sunday night and are therefore likely to be immune from Latham’s undoubtable charms.



Richard’s groundbreaking campaign strategy

Bullstrode's Legal French Phrasebook: Dépeçage

Dépeçage means dismemberment, which is in turn derived from the verb dépecer, which means to carve up or to analyse in extraordinary detail.

This term is principally used in two (2) ways in a legal context:

1) As a description for every single oral and written submission every put by T Bullstrode Whitelocke KC. For example ‘Mr Whitelocke, I am not sure that a fourth day of surrejoinder is necessary for this directions hearing. To be frank, your ferocious depecage of the defendant’s proposed timetable, whilst showing admirable stamina, has left me longing for my 7oth birthday.’; and

2) To described the common law concept whereby different provisions within a single contract are expressed to be governed by different laws. I have used Dépeçage in this way extensively in all my drafting and find it leads to greatly enhanced outcomes for my clients.

I pioneered this concept when I drafted the ISDA standard documentation, which now regularly sees the ISDA Master Agreement governed by New York State Law while the credit support annexe is governed by English law.

After the success of this innovation I now use Dépeçage in all contracts as follows:

i) I typically use Allgemeines bürgerliches Gesetzbuch to govern my recitals;

ii) I have been known to rely on Scots Law to govern the operative provisions, except, of course, for any clauses relating to the doctrine of marshalling, which I ensure are governed by the Napoleonic Civil Code, Delaware Law or Halakha;

iii) I will use non-legal laws, such as the law of diminishing returns or the Hicks-Marshall laws of derived demand, in sensitive or confidential contractual provisions (for example, in a particularly cheeky move I employed when negotiating Eddie Maguire’s employment contract with Channel Nine, I provided for various provisions to be governed by the laws of gravity); and

iv) for all boiler plate clauses (including governing law provisions), I will only apply Papuan Customary law.

I have also been known to hand annotate standard form contracts, including dry cleaning tickets and the large poster displaying the terms and conditions for entry to my local car parking station, to ensure that the consumer friendly laws of the Cayman Islands apply at all times.

As you can imagine, this is yet another of my legal innovations which has greatly enhanced and simplified contract law for businesses in Australia.