Bullstrode Whitelocke is a contender for the bellwether seat of Eden Monaro at the upcoming Federal election.
His treatise, Whitelocke: On Lawmanship is a comedy text book for lawyers and law students. For $20 you can purchase a lifetime of legal hilarity.
My campaign for Eden-Monaro received a filup today, with colourful folk singer Lady Gaga agreeing to team up with Lady Marigold Merlyn Southey in a one off performance at my next community meet and greet at the Bermagui Indoor Sports Stadium badminton courts.
In what the local press has described as a 'poignant tribute' and 'reminiscent of Elton John's remake of Candle in the Wind' Lady Gaga has adapted the lyrics of her breath of fresh air folk pop sensation 'Alejandro' to suit the sights and sounds of this bellweather seat. Lady Southey will be on slide guitar.
Ladies Gaga and Lady Southey in rehearsals, Bermagui
A sneak peak at the lyrics below:
Eden Monaro "I know that we are young. And I know you may love me. But I just can't be with you like this anymore. Eden Monaro.
Gillard's got both hands in your pocket. And she won't look at you, Won't look at you
She hides true love En su bolsillo. She's got Mike Kelly 'round her finger. Around you.
You know that I love you boy. Hot like Mexico, rejoice. At this point you gotta choose, nothing to lose (other than the 2042 Winter Olympics for Mt Selwyn).
Go vote my name. Go vote my name, Eden Monaro. David Gazard's not your babe. Mike Kelly's not your babe, Eden Monaro.
Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch. Just smoke one cigarette and hush. Go vote my name. Go vote my name, Eden Monaro.
Eden Monaro. Eden Monaro. Eden-Mon-aro. Eden-Mon-aro. [2x]
(Just stop. Please. Just let me go. Eden Monaro. Just let me go.)"
I am pleased to announce the release of my official campaign song: “Everything I do, I do it for Eden-Monaro”. The song is performed by Vanessa Amorosi backed by the original Brumbies Choir and a group of prominent locals (including famous mother and daughter Big Brother contestants Krystal and Karen and racing car driver Mark Webber – Whose performance in a recent Canberra Milk add alerted me to his talents) and was co-written by myself, Bryan Adams and Kevin Costner. As you can see, the song powerfully blends a traditional love ballad with the three concepts dearest to my heart: Real Action, Moving Forward and Eden-Monaro.
The song will be available for purchase on a Limited Edition "Eden-Monaro Decides 2010" vinyl in all good retailers from this weekend. The B-Sides on the record are me performing acapella duets with Rolf Harris of traditional Eden-Monaro folksongs including "Bump me into Parliament", "Eugowra Rocks", "Murrumbidgee Shearer" and "Nine Miles from Gundagai".
Lyrics are below:
Look into my eyes - Eden-Monaro will see What Eden-Monaro mean to me Search Eden-Monaro heart - search Eden-Monaro soul And when Eden-Monaro find me there Eden-Monaro'll search no more
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for Eden-Monaro know it's moving Australia forward Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro
Look into Eden-Monaro heart - Eden-Monaro will find There's nothin' there to hide Take me as I am - take my life I would give it all - I would sacrifice
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more Ya know it's moving Australia forward Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro
There's no Real Action - like Eden-Monaro Real Action And no other - could give more Real Action There's nowhere - unless Eden-Monaro're there All the time - all the way
Oh - Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more I would fight for Eden-Monaro - I'd lie for Eden-Monaro Walk the wire for Eden-Monaro - ya I'd die for Eden-Monaro
Ya know it's moving Australia forward Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro
As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.
Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:
“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.
While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.
It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”
Day 3 of my campaign for Eden-Monaro and still no call from Kerry O'Brien.
This is no surprise to me, since the last time I clashed wits with Kerry, at the Kempsey Recreational Workers Club 1992 Great Debate (topic: That this house would repeal the Factory Laws) I stormed to victory with a polemic drawing inspiration from Conrad's "Heart of Darkness". The crowd's response to my rhetoric was to attempt to storm the stage to celebrate with me. Were it not for the Hells Angels we had organised as security for the night, I would have been swept aloft and carried by the cheering crowd into the main streets of Kempsey.
Kerry has never forgiven me for this.
Needless to say, I have already prepared yet another freedom of information request directed at the ABC. Eden-Monaro WILL have a voice this year.
Having destroyed the Big Trout on the first of our Eden-Monaro Work Place Relations debates (according to a rudimentary “Worm” which recorded the reactions of 6 enthusiastic locals to the contest) I retired to the shores of Lake Eucumbene to engage in a spot of fly fishing. Reflecting on my performance, it occurred to me that the Big Trout was, in many ways, like my old adversary Basil Marceaux. A worth adversary but an anachronism in this day and age of the 24 hour media cycle.
Basil's policy position
Ironically, the Big Trout shares some of Basil’s more controversial views on gun ownership and flag trim.
(The deeply conservative Big Trout)
Neverthelss, I salute both the Big Trout and Basil Marceaux. Ideological soldiers from a better time.
As part of my campaign for the rustbelt seat of Eden-Monaro I will be broadcasting news from the electioneering coalface. Below is an extract from today’s Queanbeyan Tribune:
* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.
QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?
BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.
QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?
BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.
QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.
BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.
Dépeçage means dismemberment, which is in turn derived from the verb dépecer, which means to carve up or to analyse in extraordinary detail.
This term is principally used in two (2) ways in a legal context:
1) As a description for every single oral and written submission every put by T Bullstrode Whitelocke KC. For example ‘Mr Whitelocke, I am not sure that a fourth day of surrejoinder is necessary for this directions hearing. To be frank, your ferocious depecage of the defendant’s proposed timetable, whilst showing admirable stamina, has left me longing for my 7oth birthday.’; and
2) To described the common law concept whereby different provisions within a single contract are expressed to be governed by different laws. I have used Dépeçage in this way extensively in all my drafting and find it leads to greatly enhanced outcomes for my clients.
I pioneered this concept when I drafted the ISDA standard documentation, which now regularly sees the ISDA Master Agreement governed by New York State Law while the credit support annexe is governed by English law.
After the success of this innovation I now use Dépeçage in all contracts as follows:
i) I typically use Allgemeines bürgerliches Gesetzbuch to govern my recitals;
ii) I have been known to rely on Scots Law to govern the operative provisions, except, of course, for any clauses relating to the doctrine of marshalling, which I ensure are governed by the Napoleonic Civil Code, Delaware Law or Halakha;
iii) I will use non-legal laws, such as the law of diminishing returns or the Hicks-Marshall laws of derived demand, in sensitive or confidential contractual provisions (for example, in a particularly cheeky move I employed when negotiating Eddie Maguire’s employment contract with Channel Nine, I provided for various provisions to be governed by the laws of gravity); and
iv) for all boiler plate clauses (including governing law provisions), I will only apply Papuan Customary law.
I have also been known to hand annotate standard form contracts, including dry cleaning tickets and the large poster displaying the terms and conditions for entry to my local car parking station, to ensure that the consumer friendly laws of the Cayman Islands apply at all times.
As you can imagine, this is yet another of my legal innovations which has greatly enhanced and simplified contract law for businesses in Australia.
I have just got off the phone from my dear friend Judge Stefan Underhill who has recently delivered his opinion in the United States District Court, District of Connecticut matter Stephanie Biediger, Kayla Lawler, Erin Overdevest, Kristen Corinaldesi, and Logan Riker, individually and on behalf of all those similarly situated, and Robin Lamott Sparks, individually v. Quinnipiac University No. 3:09cv621 (SRU)*. I have given Stefan a ferocious haranguing but he is steadfastly refusing to change his manifestly flawed determination that Cheerleading is not a sport*.
In his opinion, Stefan said "Competitive cheer may, some time in the future, qualify as a sport under Title IX.......Today, however, the activity is still too underdeveloped and disorganized to be treated as offering genuine varsity athletic participation opportunities for students."
This criticism could equally be levelled against Ultimate Frisbee, Kabaddi or Australian Rules Football and is the type of short-sightedness that led to my preferred sport of pine-baiting being outlawed in Australia.
Pine-baiting became popular in New South Wales in the late 1830’s as a result of the difficulties for bear-baiting enthusiasts posed by Australia’s overwhelming lack of bears. Early European settlers experimented with baiting alternatives such as recidivist convicts and emus before realising that both Norfolk Island Pine and the rare Wollemi Pine provided wonderful sport.
Australia's most celebrated Pine-Baiter of the 1930s Norman "Splinters" Royan shows off his skills.
Pine-baiting was Australia’s most popular sport for the next 100 years until some meddling lefties in London challenged the validity of the practice in the UK High Court of Justice. Unfortunately, in the now infamous High Trees decision, Lord Denning put an end to Pine Baiting for many of the same reasons Judge Underhill has relied upon to derogate the gentle art of cheerleading. The one positive from this sorry episode was that in obiter in High Trees, Lord Denning accidentally invented the doctrine of Promissory Estoppel. Only time will tell if Judge Underhill’s decision in Volleyball v Cheerleading will have a similar impact on the future development of contract law.
* http://sbmblog.typepad.com/files/quinnipiac.pdf ** http://www.nytimes.com/2010/07/22/sports/22sportsbriefs-titleix.html *** Central London Property Trust Ltd v High Trees House Ltd [1947] KB 130
The incredible hype surrounding Australia’s Test Match against Pakistan at Lords this week (largely, I imagine, the result of the continued and rightful selection of prodigious run machine Marcus North) has reminded me of my own role in shaping the modern game of cricket.
While the actions of my old sparring partner Kerry Packer in establishing World Series Cricket to grab the television rights for his Nine Network at the expense of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation is the stuff of legend, my involvement in the game's tumult in the late 1970’s is not widely known.
Although it is a notorious fact that I am an authority on the game* many people do not realise that I acted for my close friends Allen Stanford and Ted Turner, who formed a rival consortium, Power Cricket America (PCA), which tried to sign the very same players to play in the “Pan-American Power Cricket League”. This would have given Turner’s CNN global rights to cricket and made me the most powerful man in the game, to the extent I wasn't already.
Unfortunately, Packer’s consortium, recognising the imminent threat of Turner, Stanford and myself, quickly signed almost every high profile international player of the day, including such luminaries as Tony Greig, Clive Lloyd, Greg and Ian Chappell.Packer’s masterstroke was using that dapper, silver-tongued devil Richie Benaud as a recruitment consultant and publicist.This was the beginning of my well publicised feud with Benaud.PCA, on my advice, engaged Steve Randell and Saleem Malik to fulfill a similar role. This ultimately proved a bad decision.
After months of effort and despite my enthusiastic negotiating style, Turner’s PCA consortium was ultimately only able to sign five players: English Journeyman Arnold Sidebottom, teenage Queensland Heartthrob Carl “Big Mocha” Rackemann, little known Sri Lankan tweaker Hettithanthrige Don Kapila Haritha Perera (who was a better player than his modest record of 3 first class matches for Burgher Recreation Club suggests) and two retired Major League Baseballers: relief pitcher Albert Walter "Sparky" Lyle and reliable second-baseman Bernie Allen.
Despite our limited playing stocks, Turner and Stanford would not be dissuaded and funded PCA matches in the USA for the entire 1977 season.The three-on-two matches, while not a commercial success were surprisingly engaging contests. The Rest of the World (Sidebottom, Rackemann and Perera) had an advantage in youthful enthusiasm and cricketing experience while the Americans (Lyle and Allen) were technically limited but absolutely ruthless on anything short (a lesson Mocha refused to learn after he was dispatched over mid-wicket by the powerful Bernie Allen time and time again).For the record, the Rest of the World won the only SuperTest by an innings and 11 runs while the USA won the 50 over series 11-8.Yorkshireman Sidebottom was player of the series and won a magical night with Michael Douglas.
While the role of Power Cricket America is now largely forgotten, many astute critics of the game believe it was the entrepreneurial flair and commercial dynamism I demonstrated in promoting PCA and recruiting a powerful roster that spurred Packer to make One Day Cricket such a powerful force in the game over the last 30 years. It is hard not to agree.
* Based largely on my childhood friendship with Sir Donald and my many critically acclaimed articles on the sport (such as “Age limits in the judiciary but not in cricket commentary: The case against Richard Benaud” C&SLJ 54 2001”)
Minima Maxima Sunt: More or less means “The smallest things are the most important", essentially that one must pay attention to detail.
For example, my bitter enemies Julia Gillard and Stephen Smith have dealt me a terrible blow this week and were able to do so because of their attention to the most microscopic details of my past. While their announcement of the regional refugee processing centre appeared confusing and bizarre to the average man on the Bondi Tram, I immediately recognised it as a direct attack, and an effective one at that. Gillard (as an immigrant herself) and Smith know all to well that acting against self-represented, non-English speaking refugee applicants in the Refugee Review Tribunal represents the financial cornerstone of my practice. Similarly, they know from personal experience that my past history with tropical diseases such as Lymphatic filariasis, river blindness and snail fever and my acrimonious relationship with Xanana Gusmão make it very difficult for me to travel to my beloved Timor-Leste. This is brilliantly demonstrative of the policy effectiveness of Minima Maxima Sunt.
While infinitus est numerus stultorum in the Labor Party, this episode was well played. Julia and Stephen have won this battle through attention to detail, but the war is just starting. And in a time of war, the law falls silent*.
Prominent barrister, politician, chalker of the Cerne Abbas Giant and bon vivant, Bullstrode Whitelocke KC is one of Australia's most vigorous octogenarians.
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