As a young man, like so many of my friends, I had an informal profit-à-prendre (in gross) over large tracts of land in Sydney, from which I took natural resources, wild game and briefs. After a time of this carefree existence I decided I needed to establish a more formal base for my burgeoning legal practice. It was this desire for a possessory interest in land that inspired me, in the late 1940s, to turn the first sod on the ground that later would become Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers in Phillip Street. At the time, the standard rental arrangement with the James McGirr New South Wales State Government was that if you cleared any land south of Bridge Street you could rent it for 20 years for a literal peppercorn (being highly sought-after at the time for their laxative qualities).
As you can imagine, the gross margin my Practice ran at in those heady days of free rent and relentless lawsuits over Victoria’s controversial success in the 1947 Claxton Shield was the envy of legal practitioners the world over.
Unfortunately since that time, through a slow and pernicious creeping death of incremental hikes, the rent on my chambers has now reached astronomical proportions. These days I am literally living hand to mouth while my landlord grows fat off the fruits of my labour. This situation has become untenable and it is for that reason that I am pleased to announce I have engaged my dear friend and regular New York gubernatorial candidate James McMillan as the collective bargaining agent for the Barristers of Piddington Chambers to take up our noble cause against Barristers' Chambers Limited in our forthcoming rent review.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Lawmen in Popular Culture
I recently constituted a Citizens' Assembly, with the aim of reaching a community consensus as to whether the Spectrum Plus approach to the characterisation of fixed charges over book debts ought to be persuasive in Australian courts.
It was, understandably and like most Citizens’ assemblies held to solve incredibly technical problems, a free-ranging and jovial affair, that touched on many areas of community concern about this pressing issue. In one of the many, many moments of levity that punctuated the discussion, Geert van der Staiij, my Dutch neighbour and a possible future 'non est factum' test case, remarked "Mr Bullstrode, why do lawyers think that people like to hear them speak?"
It was a good question and one to which I spoke at length. While my response largely centred around the growing acceptance of my controversial theory that those in our society of higher moral and intellectual capability (lawyers) are under a natural law fiduciary duty to impart their wisdom on those around them*, minutes 22-24 were dedicated to the prevalence of lawyers in pop culture. The highlights were:
(a) Few people know that David E. Kelly was inspired to write ‘The Practice’ after witnessing footage of me in chambers quietly reading a brief, sipping port and consulting the CLRs. Ultimately, studio heads had their way and the pilot episode ‘Bobby Donnell reads Perre v Apand Pty Ltd 198 CLR 180’ was replaced with something boring about criminal law, sex and a law firm in Boston. Nevertheless, many neutral observers are still struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.
I am struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.
(b) The runaway success of an episode of “20 to 1” that I co-chaired with my dear friend Bertrand Newton entitled “20 to 1 most outrageous uses of the rule in Foss v Harbottle”. Apparently Channel 9’s switchboard lit up when the famous incident of the Rolling Stones ratifying an alleged wrong by simple majority on their 1973 tour of North America was listed as Number 1!
(c) An account of the statistically proven fact that lawyers are deeply hilarious individuals. Consider successful comedians such as Tom Gleisner, James O’Loughlin, Sean Micalleff, Judge Joe Brown and Neville Wran who all obtained their comedic grounding via the time-honoured route of a bachelor of laws degree. The relationship between legal learning and hilarity is, of course, not a recent development. Indeed the Third Protectorate Parliament under the speakership of noted legal humourist Chaloner Chute was considered the “Packed to the Rafters” of the 1600s.
*While this may seem pure vanity, it is, in reality, an incredibly heavy burden to bear. It regularly takes me more than 4 hours to traverse the 80 odd metres from my Phillip Street Chambers to the Supreme Court, as I am obliged to lecture every single non-lawyer I come across on:
(a) my many lifetime achievements;
(b) their many failings (based on my reasonably formed initial perceptions), both remediable and irremediable; and
(c) the means by which any such remediable failings may be rectified.
It was, understandably and like most Citizens’ assemblies held to solve incredibly technical problems, a free-ranging and jovial affair, that touched on many areas of community concern about this pressing issue. In one of the many, many moments of levity that punctuated the discussion, Geert van der Staiij, my Dutch neighbour and a possible future 'non est factum' test case, remarked "Mr Bullstrode, why do lawyers think that people like to hear them speak?"
It was a good question and one to which I spoke at length. While my response largely centred around the growing acceptance of my controversial theory that those in our society of higher moral and intellectual capability (lawyers) are under a natural law fiduciary duty to impart their wisdom on those around them*, minutes 22-24 were dedicated to the prevalence of lawyers in pop culture. The highlights were:
(a) Few people know that David E. Kelly was inspired to write ‘The Practice’ after witnessing footage of me in chambers quietly reading a brief, sipping port and consulting the CLRs. Ultimately, studio heads had their way and the pilot episode ‘Bobby Donnell reads Perre v Apand Pty Ltd 198 CLR 180’ was replaced with something boring about criminal law, sex and a law firm in Boston. Nevertheless, many neutral observers are still struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.
I am struck today by the many similarities between myself and Mr Robert Donnell.
(b) The runaway success of an episode of “20 to 1” that I co-chaired with my dear friend Bertrand Newton entitled “20 to 1 most outrageous uses of the rule in Foss v Harbottle”. Apparently Channel 9’s switchboard lit up when the famous incident of the Rolling Stones ratifying an alleged wrong by simple majority on their 1973 tour of North America was listed as Number 1!
(c) An account of the statistically proven fact that lawyers are deeply hilarious individuals. Consider successful comedians such as Tom Gleisner, James O’Loughlin, Sean Micalleff, Judge Joe Brown and Neville Wran who all obtained their comedic grounding via the time-honoured route of a bachelor of laws degree. The relationship between legal learning and hilarity is, of course, not a recent development. Indeed the Third Protectorate Parliament under the speakership of noted legal humourist Chaloner Chute was considered the “Packed to the Rafters” of the 1600s.
*While this may seem pure vanity, it is, in reality, an incredibly heavy burden to bear. It regularly takes me more than 4 hours to traverse the 80 odd metres from my Phillip Street Chambers to the Supreme Court, as I am obliged to lecture every single non-lawyer I come across on:
(a) my many lifetime achievements;
(b) their many failings (based on my reasonably formed initial perceptions), both remediable and irremediable; and
(c) the means by which any such remediable failings may be rectified.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Law Society of NSW - Council Elections
Lawmen of New South Wales,
Commeth the hour, commeth the man. I am writing to you by electronic transmission to ask your support as I seek election for the Large Firm position at this year’s Law Society Council elections. This email is unrelated to any I may have previously sent to your in your capacity as a potential conduit of Nigerian financing opportunities. For the avoidance of doubt, those offers remain open.
At literally any moment now you will receive your ballot papers from the NSW Law Society. Here is what I will stand for when I am elected to the Law Society Council:
a) The wholesale repeal of CLERP 7, in all of its insidious guises.
b) The appointment of Wyatt Roy and Justin Bieber to the Juvenile Justice Sub-Committee of the Law Society of NSW.
c) Using the corporations power to overcome the High Court’s lamentable Octaviar decision.
d) Convening a citizens’ assembly to resolve once and for all whether there is a fifth category in Masters v Cameron.
e) Outlawing severability clauses.
f) Stopping jurisprudential waste and turning back the boats.
For those of you that are unaware of my many, many distinguished years as a Lawman, I have set out below a brief ‘snap shot’ of career highlights:
· Career victories against Sir Garfield Barwick: 2
· Golden Gavel winner, 1945
· Internationally renowned authority on the training and discipline of hounds
· Author of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition and countless other learned texts, including ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’ and ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’
In short, I will bring erudition, accountability, dignity and a detailed knowledge of the training of hounds to the role of large Firm Member, which for too long has been dominated by the vested interests of solicitors who work for large firms.
If you agree that these ideas are right for our time, then please vote for me in the Law Society Council elections.
A faint heart never won a fair maiden. Be brave and vote.
Kind regards,
Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, President of the Australian Chapter of the Stone Masons, 18 times Heraclitus Society Man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal.
Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers
Commeth the hour, commeth the man. I am writing to you by electronic transmission to ask your support as I seek election for the Large Firm position at this year’s Law Society Council elections. This email is unrelated to any I may have previously sent to your in your capacity as a potential conduit of Nigerian financing opportunities. For the avoidance of doubt, those offers remain open.
At literally any moment now you will receive your ballot papers from the NSW Law Society. Here is what I will stand for when I am elected to the Law Society Council:
a) The wholesale repeal of CLERP 7, in all of its insidious guises.
b) The appointment of Wyatt Roy and Justin Bieber to the Juvenile Justice Sub-Committee of the Law Society of NSW.
c) Using the corporations power to overcome the High Court’s lamentable Octaviar decision.
d) Convening a citizens’ assembly to resolve once and for all whether there is a fifth category in Masters v Cameron.
e) Outlawing severability clauses.
f) Stopping jurisprudential waste and turning back the boats.
For those of you that are unaware of my many, many distinguished years as a Lawman, I have set out below a brief ‘snap shot’ of career highlights:
· Career victories against Sir Garfield Barwick: 2
· Golden Gavel winner, 1945
· Internationally renowned authority on the training and discipline of hounds
· Author of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition and countless other learned texts, including ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’ and ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’
In short, I will bring erudition, accountability, dignity and a detailed knowledge of the training of hounds to the role of large Firm Member, which for too long has been dominated by the vested interests of solicitors who work for large firms.
If you agree that these ideas are right for our time, then please vote for me in the Law Society Council elections.
A faint heart never won a fair maiden. Be brave and vote.
Kind regards,
Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, President of the Australian Chapter of the Stone Masons, 18 times Heraclitus Society Man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal.
Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Carry on Whitelocke, Openly
Way back in the 1950s, long before vacuum cleaners and Dr Phil ruined the work ethic of domestic help throughout Australia, Sydney was a very different place. A largely lawless and agrarian city (much like modern day Adelaide), a good portion of the city was covered by a mixture of ambitious pastoral lands and dense virgin bushland, teeming with abundant wildlife. Whilst scurrying from chambers to Court it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men or even game such as the nail-tailed wallaby or the ever-aggressive Green and Golden Bell Frog on one’s way to Court.
it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men…
For the obvious reasons it was essential to be heavily armed at all times.
In time, our habit of bearing arms for personal protection developed into the genteel practice of barristers carrying ornate pistols on their hips* at all times. In these stylish and practical days the seniority of a barrister could instantly be ascertained by the make and calibre of the pistols he carried and easy laughs could be had at the expense of the many, many barristers with ‘double barrelled’ surnames! King’s Counsel would wear Colt .45s with carved ivory grips and were always accompanied by a small team of specially trained juniors to carry and operate light artillery on their behalf.
Having become so accustomed to being “packing heat” whilst striding about Philip Street, I was shocked to learn that this practice had fallen into disuse in many overseas jurisdictions**. Imagine my astonishment when, in the mid 70’s I attempted to bring a semi-automatic rifle and a decorative stock whip to a party hosted by Nelson Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger (for then president Gerald Ford) only to be subject to the outrageous indignity of being asked to leave these essential parts of my carefully considered outfit in the cloakroom. Luckily enough, the furious and wide ranging tirade I unleashed at the doorman, which traversed the Constitution, Boilermakers (I persuasively argued that Geoff the Doorman was improperly acting as a Chapter III court), Magna Carta, the FIFA Laws of the Game, the Destruction of Wild Dogs Act and the Gentoo Code, was overheard by the vast majority of America’s right wing intellectual establishment who, moved by the jurisprudential perspicuity of my arguments, focussed the furious power of their legal learning into the matter. It soon became accepted that the Second Amendment of the American Constitution ensured a right for all citizenry to not only bear arms, but to be able to do so openly and without fear of molestation from the long arm of the law. Over time, my principled stand on that steamy day in October became known as the genesis of the “Open Carry” movement.
Before long, the Open Carry movement swept America, returning the country to the golden days of the 1820s where every citizen openly bore arms and all interpersonal disputes were settled quickly and decisively. I consider the opening scene in “the Last Boy Scout”+ to be the high watermark of this movement, a cinematic moment inspired by the short period I coached Little League Grid Iron in Oakland, and regularly encouraged my players to Open Carry during playoff games.
Thanks to me, Americans, unlike Australians, can buy coffee in safety.
An Open Carry fishing trip on Lake Michigan
Sadly the liberties protected by the Open Carry movement have not found widespread acceptance in Australia. These days, it is regularly said that the right to bear arms is as ridiculous as the right to arm bears. This statement continues to be patently wrong and was made many years before my successful program of conscripting and training koala bears to patrol mosman, protecting it against the tide of Catholic boat people that would otherwise overwhelm it. Unfortunately neither major party included Open Carry as a major policy item at the last election, and in the many drafts of the proposed Bills of Rights for Australia I have criticised, I am yet to see Open Carry receive even the most cursory of recognition. No wonder our country is in such a state.
Of course, being the wag I am, although I am no longer permitted to Open Carry firearms in Court, I continue to follow the principles of the movement in my own way. The most obvious manifestation of this is my habit of ‘Open Carrying’ prerogative writs. Rarely will you see me in public without an openly displayed blank writ of mandamus sticking out of my belt. The threat is essential. Prevention is better than cure.
* Ironically, in 1992 my impulsive decision to fire one of these pistols at Young J proved the inspiration behind the introduction of the metal detectors in the New South Wales Supreme Court. A further erosion of the right of Open Carry in Australia.
** Not, however, in Indonesia where the colourful gun toting barrister Paris Hotman Hutapae remains the paradigm of a modern warrior/scholar man of the law.
+ when a troubled footballer who knows his rights opens fire on his rivals as they try to tackle him.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Bullstrode's Latin Phrase Book: Ab Ovo
Ab ovo usque ad mala: Literally means from the egg to the apples.
This phrase gained prominence after its usage in Horace’s Satire 1.3 and has come to mean "from beginning to end". Apparently this meaning derives from diet of Ancient Rome, where the main meal of the day began with an egg dish (Florentine or Benedict one would hope) and would end with some fruit. In legal phraseology, ab ovo has to connote thoroughness – i.e. to read a document from beginning to end.
As you will know from the section in On Lawmanship 3rd Edition on proper legal drafting, as a firm believer in “top and tailing”, I rarely, if ever, read a document from beginning to end. Life’s too short. When I say to clients I will review their documents “ab ovo”, I quite literally mean I will have a summer clerk review the document (lightly) while I recline nearby eating an egg followed by a red delicious, usually while wearing a toga.
This phrase gained prominence after its usage in Horace’s Satire 1.3 and has come to mean "from beginning to end". Apparently this meaning derives from diet of Ancient Rome, where the main meal of the day began with an egg dish (Florentine or Benedict one would hope) and would end with some fruit. In legal phraseology, ab ovo has to connote thoroughness – i.e. to read a document from beginning to end.
As you will know from the section in On Lawmanship 3rd Edition on proper legal drafting, as a firm believer in “top and tailing”, I rarely, if ever, read a document from beginning to end. Life’s too short. When I say to clients I will review their documents “ab ovo”, I quite literally mean I will have a summer clerk review the document (lightly) while I recline nearby eating an egg followed by a red delicious, usually while wearing a toga.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Alternative Dispute Resolution
Our cousins across the pacific (hereafter “Americans” and “The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World”) consider themselves innovators. To give them their credit, it is true that Americans invented the internet, global warming and many of the socially disruptive forms of devil music that currently plague our wireless airwaves and encourage our young people into risky romantic encounters with drugs and hipsters like Natasha Stott-Despoja.
Indeed, after hearing that it was recently (sensibly) suggested that a contractual dispute be determined by a man vs werewolf push up competition (Werewolf Pushups ADR) one might be forgiven for thinking that The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World were legal innovators. However, keen readers of the Whitelocke loose-leaf service would be well aware of some of the more innovative alternative dispute mechanisms I have used over the years, that long pre-dated contractually decisive feats of strength between man and werewolf.
While I am famed* for my assiduously litigious nature** and would never actively seek to circumvent the long and expensive court process, I have on behalf of others applied my mind towards engineering innovative alternative dispute resolution solutions.
For example, in 1964 I suggested that a seemingly intractable joint venture company deadlock dispute be settled by a “Race Around the World”. The Race garnered national media attention and proved a highly successful outcome for my client the Bank of Adelaide. Immediately after the counter-party to the dispute, Robert Holmes à Court , left Australia, the Bank petitioned the Court for a just and equitable winding up of the joint venture company due to the likelihood that the ravages of dysentery and various local wars in Africa and Central America would almost certainly see Mr Holmes à Court perish during the race. My client was able to complete the purchase of the remaining 50% of the shares at fire-sale prices before Robert would return to Australia to national celebrity but financial ruin. I was the first to throw the confetti at his welcome back ticker-tape parade and to this day we remain the firmest of friends.
In the mid-90’s I pioneered the use of the following clause for all dispute resolution:
1.1 Notification of Disputes
(a) A party must not commence any arbitration or court proceedings relating to any material dispute arising out of or relating to this deed (Dispute) unless it has complied with the provisions of this clause.
(b) A party claiming that a Dispute has arisen must give written notice to the other party stating that a Dispute has arisen and setting out the nature of the Dispute (Dispute Notice).
(c) Within 25 Business Days of receipt of a Dispute Notice, each party must nominate 13 current employees of the legal representatives who acted for that party in connection with the deed the sublect of the Dispute (Team) and give written notice to each other party of the identity of those representatives.
1.2 Dispute Resolution
(a) Within 20 Business Days of the date of a Dispute Notice, each Team must meet at Lang Park (the Cauldron) to resolve the Dispute by playing 80 minutes of rugby league (the Match). All aspects of the Match, except the fact of its occurrence, must be kept confidential and all communications and interaction between representatives at the Match are made under “State of Origin” conditions, including (without limitation) by taking one game at a time, on a without prejudice mate vs mate, state vs state basis and, to the maximum extent permitted by law, the Match will not be subject to review by the NSWRL Judiciary or other Judicial Body.
(b) The result of the Match is final and binding upon the parties and is not subject to review or appeal except in the case of manifest video referee error of fact.
During the wonderful period in the 90s when this clause was considered boilerplate in many commercial contracts, I employed the following people on part time or casual basis:
Mail room
Terry “the Axe” Gillmeister
John Lomax
Glen Lazarus
Quentin Pongia
Ruben Wiki
Jarrod McCracken
Gordon Tallis
Catering
David “Cement” Gillespie (made a surprisingly good latte’)
Paul Sironen
Hitro Okesene
Aussie Joe Bugner
Jonah Lomu
Va'aiga Tuigamala
Foreign counsel (not Australia Qualified)
Adrian Morley
James Brian Hellwig (trading as “the Ultimate Warrior”)
The Houston Oilers’ Robert Brazile and young Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis
Indeed, after hearing that it was recently (sensibly) suggested that a contractual dispute be determined by a man vs werewolf push up competition (Werewolf Pushups ADR) one might be forgiven for thinking that The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World were legal innovators. However, keen readers of the Whitelocke loose-leaf service would be well aware of some of the more innovative alternative dispute mechanisms I have used over the years, that long pre-dated contractually decisive feats of strength between man and werewolf.
While I am famed* for my assiduously litigious nature** and would never actively seek to circumvent the long and expensive court process, I have on behalf of others applied my mind towards engineering innovative alternative dispute resolution solutions.
For example, in 1964 I suggested that a seemingly intractable joint venture company deadlock dispute be settled by a “Race Around the World”. The Race garnered national media attention and proved a highly successful outcome for my client the Bank of Adelaide. Immediately after the counter-party to the dispute, Robert Holmes à Court , left Australia, the Bank petitioned the Court for a just and equitable winding up of the joint venture company due to the likelihood that the ravages of dysentery and various local wars in Africa and Central America would almost certainly see Mr Holmes à Court perish during the race. My client was able to complete the purchase of the remaining 50% of the shares at fire-sale prices before Robert would return to Australia to national celebrity but financial ruin. I was the first to throw the confetti at his welcome back ticker-tape parade and to this day we remain the firmest of friends.
In the mid-90’s I pioneered the use of the following clause for all dispute resolution:
1.1 Notification of Disputes
(a) A party must not commence any arbitration or court proceedings relating to any material dispute arising out of or relating to this deed (Dispute) unless it has complied with the provisions of this clause.
(b) A party claiming that a Dispute has arisen must give written notice to the other party stating that a Dispute has arisen and setting out the nature of the Dispute (Dispute Notice).
(c) Within 25 Business Days of receipt of a Dispute Notice, each party must nominate 13 current employees of the legal representatives who acted for that party in connection with the deed the sublect of the Dispute (Team) and give written notice to each other party of the identity of those representatives.
1.2 Dispute Resolution
(a) Within 20 Business Days of the date of a Dispute Notice, each Team must meet at Lang Park (the Cauldron) to resolve the Dispute by playing 80 minutes of rugby league (the Match). All aspects of the Match, except the fact of its occurrence, must be kept confidential and all communications and interaction between representatives at the Match are made under “State of Origin” conditions, including (without limitation) by taking one game at a time, on a without prejudice mate vs mate, state vs state basis and, to the maximum extent permitted by law, the Match will not be subject to review by the NSWRL Judiciary or other Judicial Body.
(b) The result of the Match is final and binding upon the parties and is not subject to review or appeal except in the case of manifest video referee error of fact.
During the wonderful period in the 90s when this clause was considered boilerplate in many commercial contracts, I employed the following people on part time or casual basis:
Mail room
Terry “the Axe” Gillmeister
John Lomax
Glen Lazarus
Quentin Pongia
Ruben Wiki
Jarrod McCracken
Gordon Tallis
Catering
David “Cement” Gillespie (made a surprisingly good latte’)
Paul Sironen
Hitro Okesene
Aussie Joe Bugner
Jonah Lomu
Va'aiga Tuigamala
Foreign counsel (not Australia Qualified)
Adrian Morley
James Brian Hellwig (trading as “the Ultimate Warrior”)
The Houston Oilers’ Robert Brazile and young Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis
The above persons, with me obviously scheming out of dummy half, ensured that all my clients successfully resolved their disputes and made it very difficult for their opponents to recover (financially and physically). The enthusiasm with which young employees like Cement, Sirro and Ray Lewis enforced exceptions to the parol evidence rule upon pasty and terrified summer clerks from other Sydney law firms was a sight to behold!
Ruben Wiki making another urgent internal mailrun
* Indeed, worshipped in Guam the spiritual home of aggresive litigation.
**Having incorrectly been deemed a vexatious litigant on any number of occasions
* Indeed, worshipped in Guam the spiritual home of aggresive litigation.
**Having incorrectly been deemed a vexatious litigant on any number of occasions
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap
After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.
TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT
Requests for information
1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.
2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:
a. Kate Ellis;
b. Kerry O’Brien;
c. Harold Holt; and
d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.
3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.
4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).
5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.
6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.
7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.
I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.
*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT
Requests for information
1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.
2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:
a. Kate Ellis;
b. Kerry O’Brien;
c. Harold Holt; and
d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.
3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.
4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).
5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.
6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.
7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.
I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.
*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
Friday, August 20, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: An Open Letter to the People of Eden-Monaro
Citizens of Eden-Monaro,
Tomorrow is a very important day for our fledgling democracy. If you are anything like me, you will wake up at approximately 4am, have a glass of riesling then hunt local birdlife until dawn. It is two hours after this most symbolic of dawns, when polls open, that I ask you to write down my name. In that poll booth, whether in the Berridale Community Centre, the Cobargo school of Arts or the Queanbeyan District Hospital, you will have the choice to meekly continue down a path that leads us all to certain ruin, or to take a sharp right and boldly stride into a glorious new future.
Although you need no reminding, here are some of my many achievements which make me uniquely qualified to govern Eden-Monaro and which should help you make that brave and necessary decision:
i) I have received countless personal awards, including but not limited to the Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, 18 times Heraclitus Society man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal;
ii) I invented the after-dinner filibuster to avoid awkward conversations and masterminded the 1975 dismissal;
iii) I am close personal friends with German Chancellor Angela Merkel as well as cricket luminaries Sir Vivian Richards and Paul “Blocker” Wilson;
iv) I introduced both the Crown of Thorns Starfish and the European Carp into Australasian Waters;
v) I am, by some distance, the oldest candidate ever to run for the House of Representatives; and
vi) I have shot 3 Asiatic bears, 2 of which fatally.
But enough about me, tomorrow is about you and your future. I trust you will make the right decision.
My fondest wishes to you all,
Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
(by electronic transmission)
Tomorrow is a very important day for our fledgling democracy. If you are anything like me, you will wake up at approximately 4am, have a glass of riesling then hunt local birdlife until dawn. It is two hours after this most symbolic of dawns, when polls open, that I ask you to write down my name. In that poll booth, whether in the Berridale Community Centre, the Cobargo school of Arts or the Queanbeyan District Hospital, you will have the choice to meekly continue down a path that leads us all to certain ruin, or to take a sharp right and boldly stride into a glorious new future.
Although you need no reminding, here are some of my many achievements which make me uniquely qualified to govern Eden-Monaro and which should help you make that brave and necessary decision:
i) I have received countless personal awards, including but not limited to the Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, 18 times Heraclitus Society man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal;
ii) I invented the after-dinner filibuster to avoid awkward conversations and masterminded the 1975 dismissal;
iii) I am close personal friends with German Chancellor Angela Merkel as well as cricket luminaries Sir Vivian Richards and Paul “Blocker” Wilson;
iv) I introduced both the Crown of Thorns Starfish and the European Carp into Australasian Waters;
v) I am, by some distance, the oldest candidate ever to run for the House of Representatives; and
vi) I have shot 3 Asiatic bears, 2 of which fatally.
But enough about me, tomorrow is about you and your future. I trust you will make the right decision.
My fondest wishes to you all,
Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
(by electronic transmission)
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Eden Monaro Decides: A day in the life of a hardworking candidate with uncommonly good posture
Gentle reader,
A somewhat surprising fact that has come to my attention throughout this campaign is that the young folk in the boxing clubs and calisthenics clinics of the Southern Highlands are interested in the day to day of an election campaign. And so, a brief insight into an average day in the life of a hardworking candidate for the seat of Eden Monaro.
6am: Early morning constitutional. Tony Abbott religiously rides 38 km every morning to prepare himself, mentally and physically for the day ahead. I have never owned a bicycle and am deeply suspicious of those that do. My preferred form of early-morning exercise is a stimulating 4 hour hunt of the elusive Hoary-headed Grebe with my good friends Matt Preston and Ben Cousins.
10am Hearty breakfast of Hoary Headed Grebe on sour-dough with a glass of sherry.
11am Strategy planning session at campaign HQ (the front room of the Pambula bowls club) with my campaign advisers. This is an intense 15 minute session at which we discuss the latest numbers: namly the poll results on www.news.com.au "Entertainment" section, the latest European Carp population figures and the mysteries of pi.
11.15am - 1pm Radio appearances. In this exciting technological age every candidate for election must put his best foot forward in all forms of media. I was lucky enough to be described by Barry White as having 'the voice of an angel' and leverage off this at every opportunity. Of course, I insist that all radio appearances are scripted by my advisers, that my commercial sponsors receive an even handed treatment and that I am permitted to bring my vintage 1950s 'Hornblower' microphone.
So, there you have it - another exhausting day comes to a close!
A somewhat surprising fact that has come to my attention throughout this campaign is that the young folk in the boxing clubs and calisthenics clinics of the Southern Highlands are interested in the day to day of an election campaign. And so, a brief insight into an average day in the life of a hardworking candidate for the seat of Eden Monaro.
6am: Early morning constitutional. Tony Abbott religiously rides 38 km every morning to prepare himself, mentally and physically for the day ahead. I have never owned a bicycle and am deeply suspicious of those that do. My preferred form of early-morning exercise is a stimulating 4 hour hunt of the elusive Hoary-headed Grebe with my good friends Matt Preston and Ben Cousins.
10am Hearty breakfast of Hoary Headed Grebe on sour-dough with a glass of sherry.
11am Strategy planning session at campaign HQ (the front room of the Pambula bowls club) with my campaign advisers. This is an intense 15 minute session at which we discuss the latest numbers: namly the poll results on www.news.com.au "Entertainment" section, the latest European Carp population figures and the mysteries of pi.
11.15am - 1pm Radio appearances. In this exciting technological age every candidate for election must put his best foot forward in all forms of media. I was lucky enough to be described by Barry White as having 'the voice of an angel' and leverage off this at every opportunity. Of course, I insist that all radio appearances are scripted by my advisers, that my commercial sponsors receive an even handed treatment and that I am permitted to bring my vintage 1950s 'Hornblower' microphone.
So, there you have it - another exhausting day comes to a close!
Eden-Monaro Decides - Free Sauce? Not on my watch!
I cannot sit idly by while the Labor Party wastes the Howard Government’s surplus, first on stimulus payments for electronic poker machine usage and now on free tomato sauce:
http://www.theage.com.au/federal-election/gillard-commits-to-a-free-shake-of-the-sauce-bottle-20100817-127fg.html
As a famous food author*my commitment to proper diet and table manners is known the world over. For example, the first question I ask a prospective Reader during my gruelling twelve day interview process is as follows:
Assembled before you are fourteen (14) forks of varying length. If served a terrine of Queensland spanner crab with radicchio, confit eschallots, paysanne of root vegetables and beurre noisette emulsion, which three (3) forks would be required to complete the meal successfully?
If the plucky youngster answers that question correctly I then make them eat a whole copy of Meagher, Gummow and Lehane – just to give them an introduction to the bitter-sweet taste of Equity.
In order to impose these high standards on my electorate, I am hereby announcing that the following foodstuffs will be banned in Eden-Monaro if I am successful on Saturday:
a) Meat Pies and/or Sauce;
b) Intentionally left blank; and
c) All forms of Fish & Chips (except where the fish used is European Carp).
*See “Cooking with Hiraclitus” or “Uncle Bulli's Comfort Food for a Rainy Day spent Drafting”
http://www.theage.com.au/federal-election/gillard-commits-to-a-free-shake-of-the-sauce-bottle-20100817-127fg.html
As a famous food author*my commitment to proper diet and table manners is known the world over. For example, the first question I ask a prospective Reader during my gruelling twelve day interview process is as follows:
Assembled before you are fourteen (14) forks of varying length. If served a terrine of Queensland spanner crab with radicchio, confit eschallots, paysanne of root vegetables and beurre noisette emulsion, which three (3) forks would be required to complete the meal successfully?
If the plucky youngster answers that question correctly I then make them eat a whole copy of Meagher, Gummow and Lehane – just to give them an introduction to the bitter-sweet taste of Equity.
In order to impose these high standards on my electorate, I am hereby announcing that the following foodstuffs will be banned in Eden-Monaro if I am successful on Saturday:
a) Meat Pies and/or Sauce;
b) Intentionally left blank; and
c) All forms of Fish & Chips (except where the fish used is European Carp).
*See “Cooking with Hiraclitus” or “Uncle Bulli's Comfort Food for a Rainy Day spent Drafting”
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