Christmas Tidings

Learned friends,

Whatever your religious beliefs and views on the evils of codified law, Christmas is a time for:

a) Gathering around the Nordic Yule goat and observing traditional Episcopalian Christmas practice by singing songs of praise to Jesus Christ like "Good King Wenceslas" and "Whence Is That Lovely Fragrance Wafting";

b) Sitting down with your family and reading aloud the dissenting judgment of Lord Justice Denning (as he then was) in Candler v Crane, Christmas & Co [1951] 2 KB 164 where he bravely held that a relationship enlivening a duty of care to future investors must be one where the relevant accountant or auditor preparing the accounts was aware of the particular person and intended use of the accounts being prepared; and

c) Getting heavily inebriated at Breakfast and appearing in the Waverly Local Court dressed as Santa Clause while announcing your appearance as celebrity raconteur and barrister Mark “Touchdown” Holden.

Truly a glorious time of year!

Along with those time-honoured rituals, like so many hard-working Australians, this year I will spend midnight on each of the 12 nights of Christmas reciting the last 60 pages of Ben Affleck's screen play for the Christmas classic “Reindeer Games” on the steps of the Downing Centre. I find these public recitations are more than just an important social good, they are a great time for reflection on the year that’s been. 2010 was a tumultuous year for yours truly; from the bitter lows of my unlucky (and possibly unconstitutional) loss in Eden Monaro and the continued silence in the mainstream media about my failure to be elevated to the High Court to the highest of professional highs, beating Jonathan Sumption QC in a best-of-three-real-tennis-sets match at my local jeu de paume club and successfully avoiding the inland revenue for yet another year. Indeed a time to remember!

I hope that you also had a successful year on your path to lawmanship.

To you and yours, seasons greetings and all the best for a happy, healthy and jurisprudentially conservative 2011.

Your obt. svt.,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.


May the road rise up to meet you.

May your harm be reasonably foreseeable.

May the Court registry staff shine warm upon your face,

and complaints about your fees soft upon your ears.

And until we meet again,

May Denning MR hold you in the palm of His hand.

A letter to Edward McGuire regarding 'Junior MasterLawman'

Dear Edward Joseph McGuire AM,

I write to you in your capacity as de facto programming director for Channel Nine, with what I consider to be the most exciting television opportunity since the second season of William Cosby’s ‘Kids Say the Darndest Things’.

With some considerable degree of interest, I have observed your ongoing stoush with your rivals at Channel 10 over the past few years. I applauded when you answered Channel Ten’s introduction of ‘Californication’ with Charlie Sheen’s irrepressible ‘Two and a Half Men’. I gasped at your audacity when Ten’s ‘Bondi Rescue’ found itself up against Charlie Sheen’s laugh-a-minute ‘Two and a Half Men’. And I marvelled at the way that you undermined Channel Ten’s gritty Australian drama series ‘Good News Week’ with yet another round of Charlie Sheen’s half hour long laugh-fest ‘Two and a Half Men’.

As I write this you are, however, possibly at your lowest ebb. Indeed, you may feel that no amount of cocaine and prostitute fuelled family comedy will undo the damage wrought on your brand by Channel Ten’s incredibly successful ‘MasterChef’ and ‘Junior MasterChef’ franchises.

Fear not, Mr McGuire. Unlike Ricky Ponting when he considers who to throw the ball to or the voters of Myanmar, you have options available to you.

You are all too familiar with concepts I have previously pitched to your station including “Sea Shanty Singing Bee with Uncle Bullstrode” and “Summer Clerks Gone Wild” but one option that is available to you may just change the paradigm of Australian television: ‘Junior MasterLawman[1]’. Twelve contestants, aged between 8 and 14 compete to win Australia’s most coveted young professional title ‘Junior MasterLawman’. Each week, contestants will be challenged to perform a feat of lawmanship, to be marked by a celebrity panel comprised of Matt Preston, Mike Whitney[2] and a full bench of the Supreme Court of New South Wales Court of Appeal. My thumbnail sketch of likely challenges, in increasing order of complexity/difficulty, include:
- completing an ASIC form 312;
- completing an ASIC form 484;
- drafting a design and construction contract in relation to a piece of major strategic infrastructure between the hours of 10pm and 5am on limited instructions and with a crippling hangover;
- entering into a sham divorce settlement to protect the contestant’s assets from the skeletal hand of the ATO, evading ATO process for more than 3 years and ultimately declaring bankruptcy, at all times without paying a cent towards public coffers;
- appearing in a High Court of Australia special leave application against Bret Walker SC;
- explaining the rationale behind, and operation of, the Personal Property Securities Act, with a particular focus on joint-venture cross charges.

A youngster discovers, too late, the dangers of the contra proferentem rule

One can instantly imagine families across the nation crowding around the television set every Sunday night, wondering if little Johnny will remember to include a subrogation clause or whether plucky little Jess from Launcestion will ever remember ambiguitas verborum patens nulla verificatione excluditur!

Obviously the merchandising possibilities are limitless. It is not unreasonable to expect glossy hard cover books entitled “Comfort Drafting with Justice Hammerschlag” or “Whitelocke and Preston: the Perfect Food and Deed Poll Pairings” to cover the coffee tables of a Nation that cannot get enough of the show or its unlikely, rapscallion stars.

You are a simple man, Mr McGuire, and no doubt your mind is spinning at the obvious commercial possibilities presented by Junior MasterLawman. I will allow you a moment to pause and reflect.

Agreed, an amazing idea.

If you are interested in pursuing this matter further, please contact me at the address below:

T Bullstrode Whitelocke KC
Barrister-at-Law
Mosman, NSW 2088

[1] © T Bullstrode Whitelocke 2010
[2] Mr Whitney has confirmed that he would ‘appear at the opening of an envelope’ and that he would be willing to wear his referee’s uniform from ‘Gladiators’ if required.

Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap

After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.

TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT

Requests for information

1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.

2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:

a. Kate Ellis;

b. Kerry O’Brien;

c. Harold Holt; and

d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.

3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.

4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).

5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.

6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.

7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.


I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.


*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

Eden-Monaro Decides - Free Sauce? Not on my watch!

I cannot sit idly by while the Labor Party wastes the Howard Government’s surplus, first on stimulus payments for electronic poker machine usage and now on free tomato sauce:
http://www.theage.com.au/federal-election/gillard-commits-to-a-free-shake-of-the-sauce-bottle-20100817-127fg.html

As a famous food author*my commitment to proper diet and table manners is known the world over. For example, the first question I ask a prospective Reader during my gruelling twelve day interview process is as follows:

Assembled before you are fourteen (14) forks of varying length. If served a terrine of Queensland spanner crab with radicchio, confit eschallots, paysanne of root vegetables and beurre noisette emulsion, which three (3) forks would be required to complete the meal successfully?

If the plucky youngster answers that question correctly I then make them eat a whole copy of Meagher, Gummow and Lehane – just to give them an introduction to the bitter-sweet taste of Equity.

In order to impose these high standards on my electorate, I am hereby announcing that the following foodstuffs will be banned in Eden-Monaro if I am successful on Saturday:

a) Meat Pies and/or Sauce;

b) Intentionally left blank; and

c) All forms of Fish & Chips (except where the fish used is European Carp).


*See “Cooking with Hiraclitus” or “Uncle Bulli's Comfort Food for a Rainy Day spent Drafting”

The Whitelocke Anthology: "Cooking with Heraclitus"

Below is an extract from my popular historical cook book "Cooking with Heraclitus". This recipe comes from Part 3, entitled "Marinades for Balearic Island Cave Goat, Sardinian Giant Shrew, Tarpan and other red meats"

Grilled Mutton
As explained in great length in the chapters on goat, sardine and monk seal, the key to cooking in the style of Heraclitus is preparing uniquely ancient Grecian dishes while strictly complying with his confusing and often contradictory philosophies.

While eating red meat was almost unknown in Heraclitan times, the "Weeping Philosopher" has a lot to teach us on its preparation. Interestingly, his take on the famous Greek dish of marinated mutton is gamey and heavily salted. While in modern Greek cookery you might expect to see the involvement of Greek oregano (rigani), tomatoes and lemon in this type of dish, under the Heraclitan recipe the only ingredients in the marinade are vinegar and blood. If you must, you can substitute lamb for mutton in this recipe but, at all costs, avoid Hogget.

Ingredients
Mutton
Salt
Blood
Vinegar

Preparation
Firstly prepare the marinade. This will involve mixing 4 cups of sheep's blood with 2 cups of vinegar in a cast iron pot.

Heraclitus famously maintained "You cannot step twice into the same river." Therefore before marinating the meat I always wash it in one, and only one, local river. The Hawkesbury is probably the most convenient for my readers although the Manning and Murrumbidgee also impart good flavour. Washing raw meat in the Parramatta River will almost certainly lead to death. Once washed, the meat should be left in the marinade for at least 14 days.

Heraclitus argued that "the path up and down is one and the same". In cooking the mutton, this will require you to apply additional blood and vinegar marinade in strictly vertical brush strokes while the meat is cooking.

During the entire process, you must at all times remember that "The death of fire is the birth of air, and the death of air is the birth of water." I interpret this to mean that after you have first grilled the mutton over an open flame, you must then blow out the flame and submerge the meat in water at a rolling boil for at least 40 minutes.

Lastly, when eating this dish, it is critical to always follow the ritual of setting aside the gods' share (the fat and bones) to be burnt while the human share is eaten. If you are concerned you are not giving the gods a large enough share, the most prudent approach is often to burn the entire meal.