Ask Bullstrode: How do I prepare for the apocalypse?

On the urging of the good people of Wollongong and Shell Harbour, I have re-enlivened my much loved advice column, featured in the Society Pages of the Illawarra Mercury in the 1980’s, entitled “Ask Bullstrode”. In its heyday, my column was the Blackstone’s commentaries of the self-help world, answering any and all questions posed by my readership on topics of importance to the people of the Illawarra, including relationship advice and, of course, statutory interpretation.

If you have any problem that you simply cannot resolve, like that of young Archibald set out below, please do not hesitate to write me at Level 8, Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers, 177 Phillip Street Sydney 2000, or at bullstrodewhitelocke@hotmail.com

Dear Bullstrode,

My name is Archie Clifford and I am a graduate lawyer in private practice in Melbourne. Like many of my friends I am concerned about the impending apocalypse. As a man who was heavily involved in most of the major conflicts of the last century, how would you suggest I best prepare myself?

Best regards,

Archie



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Dear Archie,

Thank you for your note and kind words.

I am on the public record as having long foretold the end of the world. I was first alerted to the Mayan apocalypse by perhaps the world’s leading authority on the source, Maya Angelou. Over a warm chai tea in the balmy surrounds French Guyana in the late 60’s Maya told me to rethink the way I had interpreted the writings of one of my intellectual heroes, William à Beckett, and once I did, my whole world view changed.

While known more broadly as the first Chief Justice of Victoria, à Beckett was also a knight bachelor and a doomsday prophet and "prepper" of incredible vision. His works, under the nom du plum 'Colonus', such as “The Siege of Dumbarton Castle”, the “Literary News” and most vividly, his magnificent treatise “Does the Discovery of Gold in Victoria Viewed in Relation to its Moral and Social Effects as Hitherto Developed Deserve to be Considered a National Blessing or a National Curse?” were, on further investigation, riddled with opaque references to the apocalypse, Mayan gold and the Robbie Deans’ forthcoming reign of terror as Wallaby coach that had somehow escaped my notice on a superficial reading.

Appreciating the subtext, it became clear why his writings were considered so frightening they were said to have sparked the Eureka uprising and caused Damien Martyn to spontaneously retire from test cricket. I have been warning of, and preparing for, the end of days ever since.

I must confess though, until now I did have just the tiniest slither of doubt, because part of me thought we had dodged the apocalypse bullet when John Howard rolled Paul Keating as Prime Minister. However, having seen a news program last night called “the Walking Dead” I now know with certainty that the apocalypse, as foretold by Colonus, has already struck America and is sweeping towards us as I write.

As such gentle Archie, you are sensible to ask me what to do, because time is most certainly of the essence. Obviously you will already have constructed a bunker, that goes without saying, but as far as provisioning goes, I would suggest the following:

a) obtain as many semi-automatic machine guns as you can get your hands on (obviously this will be easier for those who live near a naval base);

b) grab as many of your neighbours' dogs and cats as you can get your hands on. Such urban livestock will prove invaluable as food supplies dwindle; and

c) beg, borrow or steal at least 100 copies of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship. This book is both an invaluable road map for apocalyptic survival and likely to be the official currency in the future wasteland that was Australia. As with the one-eyed man in the land of the blind, the owner of many of my obscure legal texts will be king in the land where they are as good as a stack of cold, hard cash. If all copies have already been looted, my other works such as ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’, ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’ and ‘From Chaloner Chute to Sir Loveban Lislebone Long: A History of 16th and 17th Century Lawmen with Riotous Names’ will be of equivalent value.

Special Christmas Invitation to Treat: A free legal opinion with every copy of On Lawmanship sold and $10 to charity‏

Dearly beloved,

Christmas is a time to reflect upon the good health of family, friends and the application of the doctrine of laches to those who arrive late to the eating of the Christmas pudding.

2012 has been an interesting year, I have had many great victories, and many narrow defeats, but such is the hurly burly of a life in the law.

My triumphs have included:
a) Leading Rwanda to a seat on the UN Security Council. Many, many nights of hard drinking with Boutros Boutros-Ghali, Peter Hargitay, Don Cheadle and Zsa Zsa Gabor eventually paying rich dividends;
b) Using all my powers of persuasion through days of fire-side whispering, gentle cajoling, neuro-linguistic programming and dark journeys into the hypnopompic states of consciousness to allow Steve Hooker to overcome the yips and soar back into medal contention at the Golden League High Jump meet in Lausanne;
c) Applying my training as a cartographer and my profound knowledge of the Pacific (developed during my youth on Pitcairn island) to hide Sandy/Sable Island from Google Maps thereby laying the foundations for a prime location for a piratical lair or an offshore processing centre for refugees; and
d) Finally freeing the micro-fauna of the Galapagos from the scourge formerly known as'Lonesome George'. A poacher's worst nightmare, this pesky tortoise had eluded me for nigh on a decade before I discovered his love for the moving siren songs of the popular chanteuse 'Skrillex'.

My defeats, though few, continue to sting:
a) Narrowly missing out on the job as CEO of the National Rugby League due to my controversial belief in the existence of potentially up to 14 limbs in Masters v Cameron;
b) Advising one of my blue chip clients, EB Private Equity, on their ill-fated tilt at storied retailer David Jones; and
c) Narrowly missing out to Stephen Gageler on elevation to the High Court because of my inability to identify Cameron Smith, Wendell Sailor or Jonathan Thurston when quizzed on the topic by Dyson Heydon.

Special Invitation to Treat

In keeping with the spirit of season, I am prepared to extend an incredibly generous invitation to treat to my learned readership. For the month of December, with every copy of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship purchased in Australia*, I will throw in, for no further consideration, a hand written opinion on any topic vexing the purchaser. If you provide me with a précis of the facts in question (no longer than 150 characters) I will opine definitively and without qualification and such opinion will be able to be used as compelling evidence in any commercial dispute and will, in my view, be binding on lower level courts and administrative tribunals in almost all Commonwealth jurisdictions.

Donation to Charity

In a final gesture of Christmas inspired bounteousness, I will give $10 from every Book & Opinion package sold in Australia* in the lead up to Christmas to the Sydney Story Factory, a not-for-profit creative writing centre for young people in Redfern, Sydney. A truly worthy cause, made particularly timely by Russel Crowe’s impending departure from “the Burrow” and the consequential requirement for a plucky local to pick up the pen and take carriage of the Book of Feuds going forward. You can read more about the Sydney Story Factory at http://bit.ly/PC3y4o.

Merry Christmas,

Your Obt. Svt.,

Bullstrode Whitelocke

Law Society of NSW - Council Elections

Lawmen of New South Wales,

Commeth the hour, commeth the man. I am writing to you by electronic transmission to ask your support as I seek election for the Large Firm position at this year’s Law Society Council elections. This email is unrelated to any I may have previously sent to your in your capacity as a potential conduit of Nigerian financing opportunities. For the avoidance of doubt, those offers remain open.

At literally any moment now you will receive your ballot papers from the NSW Law Society. Here is what I will stand for when I am elected to the Law Society Council:

a) The wholesale repeal of CLERP 7, in all of its insidious guises.
b) The appointment of Wyatt Roy and Justin Bieber to the Juvenile Justice Sub-Committee of the Law Society of NSW.
c) Using the corporations power to overcome the High Court’s lamentable Octaviar decision.
d) Convening a citizens’ assembly to resolve once and for all whether there is a fifth category in Masters v Cameron.
e) Outlawing severability clauses.
f) Stopping jurisprudential waste and turning back the boats.

For those of you that are unaware of my many, many distinguished years as a Lawman, I have set out below a brief ‘snap shot’ of career highlights:

· Career victories against Sir Garfield Barwick: 2

· Golden Gavel winner, 1945

· Internationally renowned authority on the training and discipline of hounds

· Author of Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition and countless other learned texts, including ‘Mary Sidney Herbert: A Winsome Spinster’ and ‘The Separation of Canon and Common Law: Eight (8) Centuries of Legal Madness’

In short, I will bring erudition, accountability, dignity and a detailed knowledge of the training of hounds to the role of large Firm Member, which for too long has been dominated by the vested interests of solicitors who work for large firms.

If you agree that these ideas are right for our time, then please vote for me in the Law Society Council elections.

A faint heart never won a fair maiden. Be brave and vote.

Kind regards,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, President of the Australian Chapter of the Stone Masons, 18 times Heraclitus Society Man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal.
Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers

Carry on Whitelocke, Openly

Way back in the 1950s, long before vacuum cleaners and Dr Phil ruined the work ethic of domestic help throughout Australia, Sydney was a very different place. A largely lawless and agrarian city (much like modern day Adelaide), a good portion of the city was covered by a mixture of ambitious pastoral lands and dense virgin bushland, teeming with abundant wildlife. Whilst scurrying from chambers to Court it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men or even game such as the nail-tailed wallaby or the ever-aggressive Green and Golden Bell Frog on one’s way to Court.

it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men…

For the obvious reasons it was essential to be heavily armed at all times.

In time, our habit of bearing arms for personal protection developed into the genteel practice of barristers carrying ornate pistols on their hips* at all times. In these stylish and practical days the seniority of a barrister could instantly be ascertained by the make and calibre of the pistols he carried and easy laughs could be had at the expense of the many, many barristers with ‘double barrelled’ surnames! King’s Counsel would wear Colt .45s with carved ivory grips and were always accompanied by a small team of specially trained juniors to carry and operate light artillery on their behalf.

Having become so accustomed to being “packing heat” whilst striding about Philip Street, I was shocked to learn that this practice had fallen into disuse in many overseas jurisdictions**. Imagine my astonishment when, in the mid 70’s I attempted to bring a semi-automatic rifle and a decorative stock whip to a party hosted by Nelson Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger (for then president Gerald Ford) only to be subject to the outrageous indignity of being asked to leave these essential parts of my carefully considered outfit in the cloakroom. Luckily enough, the furious and wide ranging tirade I unleashed at the doorman, which traversed the Constitution, Boilermakers (I persuasively argued that Geoff the Doorman was improperly acting as a Chapter III court), Magna Carta, the FIFA Laws of the Game, the Destruction of Wild Dogs Act and the Gentoo Code, was overheard by the vast majority of America’s right wing intellectual establishment who, moved by the jurisprudential perspicuity of my arguments, focussed the furious power of their legal learning into the matter. It soon became accepted that the Second Amendment of the American Constitution ensured a right for all citizenry to not only bear arms, but to be able to do so openly and without fear of molestation from the long arm of the law. Over time, my principled stand on that steamy day in October became known as the genesis of the “Open Carry” movement.

Before long, the Open Carry movement swept America, returning the country to the golden days of the 1820s where every citizen openly bore arms and all interpersonal disputes were settled quickly and decisively. I consider the opening scene in “the Last Boy Scout”+ to be the high watermark of this movement, a cinematic moment inspired by the short period I coached Little League Grid Iron in Oakland, and regularly encouraged my players to Open Carry during playoff games.

Thanks to me, Americans, unlike Australians, can buy coffee in safety.

An Open Carry fishing trip on Lake Michigan

Sadly the liberties protected by the Open Carry movement have not found widespread acceptance in Australia. These days, it is regularly said that the right to bear arms is as ridiculous as the right to arm bears. This statement continues to be patently wrong and was made many years before my successful program of conscripting and training koala bears to patrol mosman, protecting it against the tide of Catholic boat people that would otherwise overwhelm it. Unfortunately neither major party included Open Carry as a major policy item at the last election, and in the many drafts of the proposed Bills of Rights for Australia I have criticised, I am yet to see Open Carry receive even the most cursory of recognition. No wonder our country is in such a state.

Of course, being the wag I am, although I am no longer permitted to Open Carry firearms in Court, I continue to follow the principles of the movement in my own way. The most obvious manifestation of this is my habit of ‘Open Carrying’ prerogative writs. Rarely will you see me in public without an openly displayed blank writ of mandamus sticking out of my belt. The threat is essential. Prevention is better than cure.

* Ironically, in 1992 my impulsive decision to fire one of these pistols at Young J proved the inspiration behind the introduction of the metal detectors in the New South Wales Supreme Court. A further erosion of the right of Open Carry in Australia.
** Not, however, in Indonesia where the colourful gun toting barrister Paris Hotman Hutapae remains the paradigm of a modern warrior/scholar man of the law.
+ when a troubled footballer who knows his rights opens fire on his rivals as they try to tackle him.

Tips on improving your appearance

Historically, a successful lawman could expect to live a life in the law without any concern for his appearance. When I was first called to the Bar, it was not uncommon for barristers to communicate with clients, instructing solicitors and even their dry cleaners solely in writing, a dignified practice that I maintained well into the 1970s. However, with the increasing proliferation of bi-focal spectacles, a lawman’s appearance has become as important as small feet in the orient.

As a famous flâneur, looking like a distinguished and handsome advocate has always come easily to me, but others must work at it. That being said, I have never been one to rest on my laurels and have stridently worked towards self-improvement. I was lucky enough to begin greying around the temples at age 17, and, indeed, in my halcyon days was known as the “Silver Canetoad” around the Union Club. I am now blessed with probably the thickest head of hair of any septuagenarian in Australia. Rest on my profuse, hoary laurels I do not, however, and through dedication and the constant application of lemon juice and a curling iron, I have managed to train my hair to grow in the colour, texture and style of a judicial wig. This natural hairpiece gives me around-the-clock gravitas, whether I am drafting, hunting or even just visiting the corner store. This style will also facilitate my inevitable elevation to the bench, subject of course to the necessary Constitutional amendments.

But Bullstrode, I hear you ask, are the advertisements correct? Must we cleanse and exfoliate to prevent the seven signs of aging?

This question is misguided on two fronts. First, you must never ever refer to me as Bullstrode, even to your family. I will not say this again. Second, aging is not to be discouraged. I implore you to do what you can to prematurely age your face. Colourful media personality Ian “Molly” Meldrum used to spend long hours in front of industrial grade heaters, periodically basting his face with a tonic of ammonia and basil pesto, to obvious effect. His inexorable rise in the face of a manifest lack of talent and suspected communist sympathies should be all the proof you need. For the junior lawman, I suggest rampant whoring, a well trimmed moustache and a nightly bottle of Harvey’s Bristol cream.


Ian 'Molly' Meldrum - the face that has launched 1000 ships

Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition review

Although it is well known to be the epicentre of the communist/papist/federalist push to dismantle the Sydney Metro project, from time to time I find myself idly perusing the pages of Sydney University student magazine 'Honit Soit'.

If nothing else, reading these pages stained with the blood of common sense reminds me of the good old days when, wearing nothing more than a dignified expression and joined by my good friends Andrew Peacock and Peter Jensen I would lecture for hours in the grounds of St John's College on subjects as diverse as the dangers of the fast line out and the place of the Ascot in a modern man's attire.

Imagine my surprise when, recently, I came across a review of my own book On Lawmanship 3rd Edition.

To read this compelling account of of the most important legal text since Magna Carta, click here or on the graphic below and click through to page 11.

Timeline of Lawmanship: excerpt from 'On Lawmanship 3rd Ed.'

Gentle reader, today an excerpt from my ground-breaking instructional manual 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition', described by prominent legal commentator Rodney 'Rod' Kafer as 'the next Gatley on Libel and Slander':

'A Timeline of Lawmanship (1606 - 1858)

1606: The Duyfken, out of Holland and captained by the famously scorbutic Willem Janszoon, charted the western coast of Cape York and its crew made the first recorded landfall by Europeans on Australian soil. Bless’dly neither Janszoon, nor his compatriots Hartog, Carstensz and Tasman who came later, had any success, despite their ferocious efforts to enshrine Civil Law and an Inquisitorial Judicature in Australia. Perhaps one of the few times one can be happy that someone hadn’t read Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition!

1788: Arthur Phillip lands the first fleet in Australia and founds a new civilisation in Sydney Cove. Unfortunately Phillip lacked the advocacy skills to encourage the natives to give up their land gratefully and to resist small pox.

1804-1808: A period of social upheaval in Australia, bookended by the second Battle of Vinegar Hill and the infamous Rum Rebellion. The violence and disorder in these times was caused in part due to the poor advocacy skills of colonial leaders, tragically born 150 years too early to benefit from my teaching, and in part due to the practice of blending vinegar with rum to enable the early incarnation of the practice of “chroming”.

1829: After the efforts of brave explorers such as Matthew Flinders, Edward Eyre and Ludwig Leichardt the whole of Australia was pronounced free of any form of native papery and was finally claimed as a British territory.

1850: My alma-mata, the University of Sydney was founded. At first the only subjects taught at the Barrumatta Road campus were phrenology, physiognomy and the studies of the habits of Giglioli’s Whale however by the time I graduated one could study anything from crystal healing, iridology, the Bates method to the teachings of Erich von Daniken. This centre of learning, while poor by world standards, has increased the erudition of Australians no end and has produced a number of Australia’s finest intellects and champions of social justice: myself, John Howard, Malcolm Turnbull, Ray Martin and John Kerr.

Unfortunately a number of my sworn enemies also attended Sydney University: Gough Whitlam, Nick Farr-Jones, Anthony Mason, Glen Stevens, Garfield Barwick, Roden Cutler, Neville Wran, Dyson Heydon, Michael Kirby, Murray Gleeson, William McMahon, Phil Waugh, Sir Douglas Mawson, Geoffrey Robertson and most of all Sir Mungo William MacCallum.

It is also claimed I have been romantically involved with the following graduates of Sydney University: Clover Moore, Susan Crennan, Dame Joan Sutherlad, Ros Kelly, Jane Campion, Jenny George and Dame Leonie Kramer.

1854: Sir Charles Hotham and Robert Rede demonstrate that development of Australian advocacy and persuasion at the Eureka Stockade.

1858: Sydney and Melbourne were linked by electric telegraph. This was the beginning of the encroachment of internets of various guises into human life and the first shot fired on the Australian front in the war between man and computers.'

For more, you can buy 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition' here, for $20 plus postage.