Saturday, May 29, 2010

Tips on improving your appearance

Historically, a successful lawman could expect to live a life in the law without any concern for his appearance. When I was first called to the Bar, it was not uncommon for barristers to communicate with clients, instructing solicitors and even their dry cleaners solely in writing, a dignified practice that I maintained well into the 1970s. However, with the increasing proliferation of bi-focal spectacles, a lawman’s appearance has become as important as small feet in the orient.

As a famous flâneur, looking like a distinguished and handsome advocate has always come easily to me, but others must work at it. That being said, I have never been one to rest on my laurels and have stridently worked towards self-improvement. I was lucky enough to begin greying around the temples at age 17, and, indeed, in my halcyon days was known as the “Silver Canetoad” around the Union Club. I am now blessed with probably the thickest head of hair of any septuagenarian in Australia. Rest on my profuse, hoary laurels I do not, however, and through dedication and the constant application of lemon juice and a curling iron, I have managed to train my hair to grow in the colour, texture and style of a judicial wig. This natural hairpiece gives me around-the-clock gravitas, whether I am drafting, hunting or even just visiting the corner store. This style will also facilitate my inevitable elevation to the bench, subject of course to the necessary Constitutional amendments.

But Bullstrode, I hear you ask, are the advertisements correct? Must we cleanse and exfoliate to prevent the seven signs of aging?

This question is misguided on two fronts. First, you must never ever refer to me as Bullstrode, even to your family. I will not say this again. Second, aging is not to be discouraged. I implore you to do what you can to prematurely age your face. Colourful media personality Ian “Molly” Meldrum used to spend long hours in front of industrial grade heaters, periodically basting his face with a tonic of ammonia and basil pesto, to obvious effect. His inexorable rise in the face of a manifest lack of talent and suspected communist sympathies should be all the proof you need. For the junior lawman, I suggest rampant whoring, a well trimmed moustache and a nightly bottle of Harvey’s Bristol cream.

Ian 'Molly' Meldrum - the face that has launched 1000 ships

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