Learned friends,
Whatever your religious beliefs and views on the evils of codified law, Christmas is a time for:
a) Gathering around the Nordic Yule goat and observing traditional Episcopalian Christmas practice by singing songs of praise to Jesus Christ like "Good King Wenceslas" and "Whence Is That Lovely Fragrance Wafting";
b) Sitting down with your family and reading aloud the dissenting judgment of Lord Justice Denning (as he then was) in Candler v Crane, Christmas & Co [1951] 2 KB 164 where he bravely held that a relationship enlivening a duty of care to future investors must be one where the relevant accountant or auditor preparing the accounts was aware of the particular person and intended use of the accounts being prepared; and
c) Getting heavily inebriated at Breakfast and appearing in the Waverly Local Court dressed as Santa Clause while announcing your appearance as celebrity raconteur and barrister Mark “Touchdown” Holden.
Truly a glorious time of year!
Along with those time-honoured rituals, like so many hard-working Australians, this year I will spend midnight on each of the 12 nights of Christmas reciting the last 60 pages of Ben Affleck's screen play for the Christmas classic “Reindeer Games” on the steps of the Downing Centre. I find these public recitations are more than just an important social good, they are a great time for reflection on the year that’s been. 2010 was a tumultuous year for yours truly; from the bitter lows of my unlucky (and possibly unconstitutional) loss in Eden Monaro and the continued silence in the mainstream media about my failure to be elevated to the High Court to the highest of professional highs, beating Jonathan Sumption QC in a best-of-three-real-tennis-sets match at my local jeu de paume club and successfully avoiding the inland revenue for yet another year. Indeed a time to remember!
I hope that you also had a successful year on your path to lawmanship.
To you and yours, seasons greetings and all the best for a happy, healthy and jurisprudentially conservative 2011.
Your obt. svt.,
Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
May the road rise up to meet you.
May your harm be reasonably foreseeable.
May the Court registry staff shine warm upon your face,
and complaints about your fees soft upon your ears.
And until we meet again,
May Denning MR hold you in the palm of His hand.
Showing posts with label Julia Gillard. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Julia Gillard. Show all posts
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Carry on Whitelocke, Openly
Way back in the 1950s, long before vacuum cleaners and Dr Phil ruined the work ethic of domestic help throughout Australia, Sydney was a very different place. A largely lawless and agrarian city (much like modern day Adelaide), a good portion of the city was covered by a mixture of ambitious pastoral lands and dense virgin bushland, teeming with abundant wildlife. Whilst scurrying from chambers to Court it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men or even game such as the nail-tailed wallaby or the ever-aggressive Green and Golden Bell Frog on one’s way to Court.
it was by no means unusual to encounter wild, lawless men…
For the obvious reasons it was essential to be heavily armed at all times.
In time, our habit of bearing arms for personal protection developed into the genteel practice of barristers carrying ornate pistols on their hips* at all times. In these stylish and practical days the seniority of a barrister could instantly be ascertained by the make and calibre of the pistols he carried and easy laughs could be had at the expense of the many, many barristers with ‘double barrelled’ surnames! King’s Counsel would wear Colt .45s with carved ivory grips and were always accompanied by a small team of specially trained juniors to carry and operate light artillery on their behalf.
Having become so accustomed to being “packing heat” whilst striding about Philip Street, I was shocked to learn that this practice had fallen into disuse in many overseas jurisdictions**. Imagine my astonishment when, in the mid 70’s I attempted to bring a semi-automatic rifle and a decorative stock whip to a party hosted by Nelson Rockefeller and Henry Kissinger (for then president Gerald Ford) only to be subject to the outrageous indignity of being asked to leave these essential parts of my carefully considered outfit in the cloakroom. Luckily enough, the furious and wide ranging tirade I unleashed at the doorman, which traversed the Constitution, Boilermakers (I persuasively argued that Geoff the Doorman was improperly acting as a Chapter III court), Magna Carta, the FIFA Laws of the Game, the Destruction of Wild Dogs Act and the Gentoo Code, was overheard by the vast majority of America’s right wing intellectual establishment who, moved by the jurisprudential perspicuity of my arguments, focussed the furious power of their legal learning into the matter. It soon became accepted that the Second Amendment of the American Constitution ensured a right for all citizenry to not only bear arms, but to be able to do so openly and without fear of molestation from the long arm of the law. Over time, my principled stand on that steamy day in October became known as the genesis of the “Open Carry” movement.
Before long, the Open Carry movement swept America, returning the country to the golden days of the 1820s where every citizen openly bore arms and all interpersonal disputes were settled quickly and decisively. I consider the opening scene in “the Last Boy Scout”+ to be the high watermark of this movement, a cinematic moment inspired by the short period I coached Little League Grid Iron in Oakland, and regularly encouraged my players to Open Carry during playoff games.
Thanks to me, Americans, unlike Australians, can buy coffee in safety.
An Open Carry fishing trip on Lake Michigan
Sadly the liberties protected by the Open Carry movement have not found widespread acceptance in Australia. These days, it is regularly said that the right to bear arms is as ridiculous as the right to arm bears. This statement continues to be patently wrong and was made many years before my successful program of conscripting and training koala bears to patrol mosman, protecting it against the tide of Catholic boat people that would otherwise overwhelm it. Unfortunately neither major party included Open Carry as a major policy item at the last election, and in the many drafts of the proposed Bills of Rights for Australia I have criticised, I am yet to see Open Carry receive even the most cursory of recognition. No wonder our country is in such a state.
Of course, being the wag I am, although I am no longer permitted to Open Carry firearms in Court, I continue to follow the principles of the movement in my own way. The most obvious manifestation of this is my habit of ‘Open Carrying’ prerogative writs. Rarely will you see me in public without an openly displayed blank writ of mandamus sticking out of my belt. The threat is essential. Prevention is better than cure.
* Ironically, in 1992 my impulsive decision to fire one of these pistols at Young J proved the inspiration behind the introduction of the metal detectors in the New South Wales Supreme Court. A further erosion of the right of Open Carry in Australia.
** Not, however, in Indonesia where the colourful gun toting barrister Paris Hotman Hutapae remains the paradigm of a modern warrior/scholar man of the law.
+ when a troubled footballer who knows his rights opens fire on his rivals as they try to tackle him.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap
After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.
TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT
Requests for information
1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.
2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:
a. Kate Ellis;
b. Kerry O’Brien;
c. Harold Holt; and
d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.
3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.
4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).
5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.
6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.
7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.
I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.
*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT
Requests for information
1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.
2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:
a. Kate Ellis;
b. Kerry O’Brien;
c. Harold Holt; and
d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.
3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.
4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).
5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.
6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.
7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.
I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.
*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: Extract from Campaign Launch Address
Hello readership,
As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.
Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:
“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.
While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.
It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”
As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.
Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:
“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.
While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.
It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Update
As part of my campaign for the rustbelt seat of Eden-Monaro I will be broadcasting news from the electioneering coalface. Below is an extract from today’s Queanbeyan Tribune:
* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.
QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?
BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.
QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?
BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.
QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.
BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.
[continues]
* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.
QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?
BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.
QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?
BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.
QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.
BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.
[continues]
Friday, July 9, 2010
Bullstrode's Latin Phrase Book: Minima Maxima Sunt
Minima Maxima Sunt: More or less means “The smallest things are the most important", essentially that one must pay attention to detail.
For example, my bitter enemies Julia Gillard and Stephen Smith have dealt me a terrible blow this week and were able to do so because of their attention to the most microscopic details of my past. While their announcement of the regional refugee processing centre appeared confusing and bizarre to the average man on the Bondi Tram, I immediately recognised it as a direct attack, and an effective one at that. Gillard (as an immigrant herself) and Smith know all to well that acting against self-represented, non-English speaking refugee applicants in the Refugee Review Tribunal represents the financial cornerstone of my practice. Similarly, they know from personal experience that my past history with tropical diseases such as Lymphatic filariasis, river blindness and snail fever and my acrimonious relationship with Xanana Gusmão make it very difficult for me to travel to my beloved Timor-Leste. This is brilliantly demonstrative of the policy effectiveness of Minima Maxima Sunt.
While infinitus est numerus stultorum in the Labor Party, this episode was well played. Julia and Stephen have won this battle through attention to detail, but the war is just starting. And in a time of war, the law falls silent*.
*Inter arma enim silent leges.
For example, my bitter enemies Julia Gillard and Stephen Smith have dealt me a terrible blow this week and were able to do so because of their attention to the most microscopic details of my past. While their announcement of the regional refugee processing centre appeared confusing and bizarre to the average man on the Bondi Tram, I immediately recognised it as a direct attack, and an effective one at that. Gillard (as an immigrant herself) and Smith know all to well that acting against self-represented, non-English speaking refugee applicants in the Refugee Review Tribunal represents the financial cornerstone of my practice. Similarly, they know from personal experience that my past history with tropical diseases such as Lymphatic filariasis, river blindness and snail fever and my acrimonious relationship with Xanana Gusmão make it very difficult for me to travel to my beloved Timor-Leste. This is brilliantly demonstrative of the policy effectiveness of Minima Maxima Sunt.
While infinitus est numerus stultorum in the Labor Party, this episode was well played. Julia and Stephen have won this battle through attention to detail, but the war is just starting. And in a time of war, the law falls silent*.
*Inter arma enim silent leges.
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