Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap

After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.


Requests for information

1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.

2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:

a. Kate Ellis;

b. Kerry O’Brien;

c. Harold Holt; and

d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.

3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.

4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).

5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.

6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.

7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.

I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.

*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

Friday, August 20, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: An Open Letter to the People of Eden-Monaro

Citizens of Eden-Monaro,

Tomorrow is a very important day for our fledgling democracy. If you are anything like me, you will wake up at approximately 4am, have a glass of riesling then hunt local birdlife until dawn. It is two hours after this most symbolic of dawns, when polls open, that I ask you to write down my name. In that poll booth, whether in the Berridale Community Centre, the Cobargo school of Arts or the Queanbeyan District Hospital, you will have the choice to meekly continue down a path that leads us all to certain ruin, or to take a sharp right and boldly stride into a glorious new future.

Although you need no reminding, here are some of my many achievements which make me uniquely qualified to govern Eden-Monaro and which should help you make that brave and necessary decision:

i) I have received countless personal awards, including but not limited to the Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, 18 times Heraclitus Society man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal;

ii) I invented the after-dinner filibuster to avoid awkward conversations and masterminded the 1975 dismissal;

iii) I am close personal friends with German Chancellor Angela Merkel as well as cricket luminaries Sir Vivian Richards and Paul “Blocker” Wilson;

iv) I introduced both the Crown of Thorns Starfish and the European Carp into Australasian Waters;

v) I am, by some distance, the oldest candidate ever to run for the House of Representatives; and

vi) I have shot 3 Asiatic bears, 2 of which fatally.

But enough about me, tomorrow is about you and your future. I trust you will make the right decision.

My fondest wishes to you all,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
(by electronic transmission)

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Eden Monaro Decides: A day in the life of a hardworking candidate with uncommonly good posture

Gentle reader,

A somewhat surprising fact that has come to my attention throughout this campaign is that the young folk in the boxing clubs and calisthenics clinics of the Southern Highlands are interested in the day to day of an election campaign. And so, a brief insight into an average day in the life of a hardworking candidate for the seat of Eden Monaro.

6am: Early morning constitutional. Tony Abbott religiously rides 38 km every morning to prepare himself, mentally and physically for the day ahead. I have never owned a bicycle and am deeply suspicious of those that do. My preferred form of early-morning exercise is a stimulating 4 hour hunt of the elusive Hoary-headed Grebe with my good friends Matt Preston and Ben Cousins.

10am Hearty breakfast of Hoary Headed Grebe on sour-dough with a glass of sherry.

11am Strategy planning session at campaign HQ (the front room of the Pambula bowls club) with my campaign advisers. This is an intense 15 minute session at which we discuss the latest numbers: namly the poll results on "Entertainment" section, the latest European Carp population figures and the mysteries of pi.

11.15am - 1pm Radio appearances. In this exciting technological age every candidate for election must put his best foot forward in all forms of media. I was lucky enough to be described by Barry White as having 'the voice of an angel' and leverage off this at every opportunity. Of course, I insist that all radio appearances are scripted by my advisers, that my commercial sponsors receive an even handed treatment and that I am permitted to bring my vintage 1950s 'Hornblower' microphone.

So, there you have it - another exhausting day comes to a close!

Eden-Monaro Decides - Free Sauce? Not on my watch!

I cannot sit idly by while the Labor Party wastes the Howard Government’s surplus, first on stimulus payments for electronic poker machine usage and now on free tomato sauce:

As a famous food author*my commitment to proper diet and table manners is known the world over. For example, the first question I ask a prospective Reader during my gruelling twelve day interview process is as follows:

Assembled before you are fourteen (14) forks of varying length. If served a terrine of Queensland spanner crab with radicchio, confit eschallots, paysanne of root vegetables and beurre noisette emulsion, which three (3) forks would be required to complete the meal successfully?

If the plucky youngster answers that question correctly I then make them eat a whole copy of Meagher, Gummow and Lehane – just to give them an introduction to the bitter-sweet taste of Equity.

In order to impose these high standards on my electorate, I am hereby announcing that the following foodstuffs will be banned in Eden-Monaro if I am successful on Saturday:

a) Meat Pies and/or Sauce;

b) Intentionally left blank; and

c) All forms of Fish & Chips (except where the fish used is European Carp).

*See “Cooking with Hiraclitus” or “Uncle Bulli's Comfort Food for a Rainy Day spent Drafting

Monday, August 16, 2010

Eden-Monaro decides: Further Policy Initiatives

Having just received the latest Nielson Poll, which sees me an alarming 48 points behind my enemies Gazard and Kelly, I have decided to announce some non-costed, last-minute policy initiatives which I sincerely believe should give me the necessary bump over the line:

a) Literal barrels of pork for every man, woman and child in Eden-Monaro. The pork is sourced entirely from Tantawangalo farmers and, like the Labor government’s economic stimulus package, will also be paid to expatriots and the recently deceased;

b) I will build a first-class graduate research university in Tumut. This university will be based on INSEAD but will instead be called “INSTAD” (which stands for Institut Tumut d'Administration des Affaires). Classes will be entirely taught in French and the only courses available will be a PhD in Philology, PhD in Seneca the Younger and a PhD in Lucretius. Tuition will start at $42,000 per annum (note: there will be no HECS places); and

c) I will create a scheme to collect water from the Snowy Mountains. This brilliant idea will see us finally utilising Eden-Monaro’s natural resources for financial gain! I propose to divert water through tunnels in the mountains and then store it in dams (This will have the added benefit of increasing the possible habitats for European Carp). Power stations will then use this water to create electricity with any excess water pumped back into the Murrumbidgee River. I estimate that, all up, this project will take twenty-five years to complete and cost approximately $820,000,000. It will also lead to massive migration into Eden-Monaro which, while being superficially inconsistent with my radical views on immigration, will ultimately help us build the type of standing army required to secede from the Commonwealth.

If none of these strategies work, I will be hoping Mark Latham’s televised plea for people to hand in blank ballot forms is successful. This idea is based, I assume, on my dear friend Richard Pryor’s unorthodox 1985 New York mayoral campaign - A television news article on which is set out below. The reason this course of action would have such a profound impact on my campaign is because my “core” typically watch repeats of Gardening Australia rather than commercial television on a Sunday night and are therefore likely to be immune from Latham’s undoubtable charms.

Richard’s groundbreaking campaign strategy

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Eden-Monaro decides: Lady Gaga and Lady Southey onboard

My campaign for Eden-Monaro received a filup today, with colourful folk singer Lady Gaga agreeing to team up with Lady Marigold Merlyn Southey in a one off performance at my next community meet and greet at the Bermagui Indoor Sports Stadium badminton courts.

In what the local press has described as a 'poignant tribute' and 'reminiscent of Elton John's remake of Candle in the Wind' Lady Gaga has adapted the lyrics of her breath of fresh air folk pop sensation 'Alejandro' to suit the sights and sounds of this bellweather seat. Lady Southey will be on slide guitar.
Ladies Gaga and Lady Southey in rehearsals, Bermagui

A sneak peak at the lyrics below:

Eden Monaro
"I know that we are young.
And I know you may love me.
But I just can't be with you like this anymore.
Eden Monaro.

Gillard's got both hands
in your pocket.
And she won't look at you,
Won't look at you

She hides true love
En su bolsillo.
She's got Mike Kelly 'round her finger.
Around you.

You know that I love you boy.
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point you gotta choose,
nothing to lose (other than the 2042 Winter Olympics for Mt Selwyn).

Go vote my name.
Go vote my name, Eden Monaro.
David Gazard's not your babe.
Mike Kelly's not your babe, Eden Monaro.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Go vote my name.
Go vote my name, Eden Monaro.

Eden Monaro.
Eden Monaro.
Eden-Mon-aro. [2x]

(Just stop. Please. Just let me go. Eden Monaro. Just let me go.)"

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Song

Dear Eden-Monarists,

I am pleased to announce the release of my official campaign song: “Everything I do, I do it for Eden-Monaro”. The song is performed by Vanessa Amorosi backed by the original Brumbies Choir and a group of prominent locals (including famous mother and daughter Big Brother contestants Krystal and Karen and racing car driver Mark Webber – Whose performance in a recent Canberra Milk add alerted me to his talents) and was co-written by myself, Bryan Adams and Kevin Costner. As you can see, the song powerfully blends a traditional love ballad with the three concepts dearest to my heart: Real Action, Moving Forward and Eden-Monaro.

The song will be available for purchase on a Limited Edition "Eden-Monaro Decides 2010" vinyl in all good retailers from this weekend. The B-Sides on the record are me performing acapella duets with Rolf Harris of traditional Eden-Monaro folksongs including "Bump me into Parliament", "Eugowra Rocks", "Murrumbidgee Shearer" and "Nine Miles from Gundagai".

Lyrics are below:

Look into my eyes - Eden-Monaro will see
What Eden-Monaro mean to me
Search Eden-Monaro heart - search Eden-Monaro soul
And when Eden-Monaro find me there Eden-Monaro'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
Eden-Monaro know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

Look into Eden-Monaro heart - Eden-Monaro will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

There's no Real Action - like Eden-Monaro Real Action
And no other - could give more Real Action
There's nowhere - unless Eden-Monaro're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for Eden-Monaro - I'd lie for Eden-Monaro
Walk the wire for Eden-Monaro - ya I'd die for Eden-Monaro

Ya know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: Extract from Campaign Launch Address

Hello readership,

As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.

Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:

“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.

While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.

It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Eden Monaro decides: Prepare the FOI request

Day 3 of my campaign for Eden-Monaro and still no call from Kerry O'Brien.

This is no surprise to me, since the last time I clashed wits with Kerry, at the Kempsey Recreational Workers Club 1992 Great Debate (topic: That this house would repeal the Factory Laws) I stormed to victory with a polemic drawing inspiration from Conrad's "Heart of Darkness". The crowd's response to my rhetoric was to attempt to storm the stage to celebrate with me. Were it not for the Hells Angels we had organised as security for the night, I would have been swept aloft and carried by the cheering crowd into the main streets of Kempsey.

Kerry has never forgiven me for this.

Needless to say, I have already prepared yet another freedom of information request directed at the ABC. Eden-Monaro WILL have a voice this year.

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: Worm beats Trout

Having destroyed the Big Trout on the first of our Eden-Monaro Work Place Relations debates (according to a rudimentary “Worm” which recorded the reactions of 6 enthusiastic locals to the contest) I retired to the shores of Lake Eucumbene to engage in a spot of fly fishing. Reflecting on my performance, it occurred to me that the Big Trout was, in many ways, like my old adversary Basil Marceaux. A worth adversary but an anachronism in this day and age of the 24 hour media cycle.

Basil's policy position

Ironically, the Big Trout shares some of Basil’s more controversial views on gun ownership and flag trim.

(The deeply conservative Big Trout)

Neverthelss, I salute both the Big Trout and Basil Marceaux. Ideological soldiers from a better time.

Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Update

As part of my campaign for the rustbelt seat of Eden-Monaro I will be broadcasting news from the electioneering coalface. Below is an extract from today’s Queanbeyan Tribune:

* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.

QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?

BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.

QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?

BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.

QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.

BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.


Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Bullstrode's Legal French Phrasebook: Dépeçage

Dépeçage means dismemberment, which is in turn derived from the verb dépecer, which means to carve up or to analyse in extraordinary detail.

This term is principally used in two (2) ways in a legal context:

1) As a description for every single oral and written submission every put by T Bullstrode Whitelocke KC. For example ‘Mr Whitelocke, I am not sure that a fourth day of surrejoinder is necessary for this directions hearing. To be frank, your ferocious depecage of the defendant’s proposed timetable, whilst showing admirable stamina, has left me longing for my 7oth birthday.’; and

2) To described the common law concept whereby different provisions within a single contract are expressed to be governed by different laws. I have used Dépeçage in this way extensively in all my drafting and find it leads to greatly enhanced outcomes for my clients.

I pioneered this concept when I drafted the ISDA standard documentation, which now regularly sees the ISDA Master Agreement governed by New York State Law while the credit support annexe is governed by English law.

After the success of this innovation I now use Dépeçage in all contracts as follows:

i) I typically use Allgemeines bürgerliches Gesetzbuch to govern my recitals;

ii) I have been known to rely on Scots Law to govern the operative provisions, except, of course, for any clauses relating to the doctrine of marshalling, which I ensure are governed by the Napoleonic Civil Code, Delaware Law or Halakha;

iii) I will use non-legal laws, such as the law of diminishing returns or the Hicks-Marshall laws of derived demand, in sensitive or confidential contractual provisions (for example, in a particularly cheeky move I employed when negotiating Eddie Maguire’s employment contract with Channel Nine, I provided for various provisions to be governed by the laws of gravity); and

iv) for all boiler plate clauses (including governing law provisions), I will only apply Papuan Customary law.

I have also been known to hand annotate standard form contracts, including dry cleaning tickets and the large poster displaying the terms and conditions for entry to my local car parking station, to ensure that the consumer friendly laws of the Cayman Islands apply at all times.

As you can imagine, this is yet another of my legal innovations which has greatly enhanced and simplified contract law for businesses in Australia.
Law Blogs