Eden-Monaro Decides: An Open Letter to the People of Eden-Monaro

Citizens of Eden-Monaro,

Tomorrow is a very important day for our fledgling democracy. If you are anything like me, you will wake up at approximately 4am, have a glass of riesling then hunt local birdlife until dawn. It is two hours after this most symbolic of dawns, when polls open, that I ask you to write down my name. In that poll booth, whether in the Berridale Community Centre, the Cobargo school of Arts or the Queanbeyan District Hospital, you will have the choice to meekly continue down a path that leads us all to certain ruin, or to take a sharp right and boldly stride into a glorious new future.

Although you need no reminding, here are some of my many achievements which make me uniquely qualified to govern Eden-Monaro and which should help you make that brave and necessary decision:

i) I have received countless personal awards, including but not limited to the Knight of the Thistle, Order of the Companions of Honour, Knight of the Hutt River Province, 18 times Heraclitus Society man of the Year, The Leverhulme Medal for the application of Heraclitus to Chemistry, The Royal Guelphic Order, Knight Grand Commander of The Most Eminent Order of the Indian Empire, Kaisar-I-Hind Medal, Officer of the Order of Australia, Australian Antarctic Medal, Champion Shots Medal;

ii) I invented the after-dinner filibuster to avoid awkward conversations and masterminded the 1975 dismissal;

iii) I am close personal friends with German Chancellor Angela Merkel as well as cricket luminaries Sir Vivian Richards and Paul “Blocker” Wilson;

iv) I introduced both the Crown of Thorns Starfish and the European Carp into Australasian Waters;

v) I am, by some distance, the oldest candidate ever to run for the House of Representatives; and

vi) I have shot 3 Asiatic bears, 2 of which fatally.

But enough about me, tomorrow is about you and your future. I trust you will make the right decision.

My fondest wishes to you all,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.
(by electronic transmission)