Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Update

As part of my campaign for the rustbelt seat of Eden-Monaro I will be broadcasting news from the electioneering coalface. Below is an extract from today’s Queanbeyan Tribune:

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After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.

QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?

BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.

QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?

BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.

QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.

BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.

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