Showing posts with label romantic entanglements of T Bulllstrode Whitelocke KC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label romantic entanglements of T Bulllstrode Whitelocke KC. Show all posts

Friday, March 15, 2013

The Whitelocke "Parri Passu" defence back in business

The brouhaha over the Argentine sovereign debt litigation reminded me of some of my own finest work in front of the US 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals
Everyone at the Mosman Rower’s Club is talking about the Argentine Republic’s wildly entertaining court battle with its creditors. Argentina’s plucky attorney Jonathan Blackman Esq. delved into the T.B Whitelocke playbook and boldly submitted to the Court that his beloved Argentina would not voluntarily obey any order to pay the defaulted bondholders whenever it makes payments on restructured debt. Naturally the independently minded and flamboyantly passionate people of Argentina would consider this a violation of their sovereignty. To do otherwise would be to spit on the memory of Hugo Porta and the Libertador, José de San Martin.
In response to Mr Blackman’s argument (based largely on first principles of public international law and some obscure provisions of Andean Community of Nations’ Cartagena Agreement of 26 May 1969), U.S. Circuit Judge Reena Raggi asked:
“So the answer is you will not obey any order but the one you propose?”
Showing vision and nimble footwork worthy of any of the great Argentinean trequartistas, the ever-plucky Mr Blackman responded in emphatic terms “We would not voluntarily obey such an order.”
We all knew that was coming!
My dear friends Hernan Lorenzino, Argentina’s minister of economy, and Vice President Amado Boudou were, at the time, seated next to Blackman on the leather panelled counsel table as he addressed the bench and, knowing them as I do, they would have been rolling in the aisles.
I should mention that I have regularly enjoyed a Parilla, a glass or two of Malbec and an after dinner tango with Blackman, Lorenzino and Boudou as well as my other core Argentinean consigliore Sergio “Kun” Aguero, Gabriella Sabatini, Pope Francis I and firebrand former international rugby player Federico Mendez. Referring to ourselves as ‘Los Amigos para Siempre” we have been nigh on inseparable since an infamous and nationally televised celebrity capybara hunt organised by a charity sponsored by Sabatini in the early nineties.
Back to the hearing and Blackman went on to claim that a lower-court order obliging Argentina to pay the defaulted bonds whenever it makes payments on restructured debt would not only violate Argentina’s sovereignty but would threaten to trigger a new financial crisis and would quadruple the number of similar cases in New York federal court. It would, in short, clog up the entire US legal system with Argentinean Bond cases. Given the main purpose of the US court system is to create fodder for Law & Order episodes, Blackman submitted forcefully that this would make for fairly dry fare and could have dire ratings consequences for NBC.
Signing off in style, Blackman remarked “We’re representing a government and governments will not be told to do things that fundamentally violate their principles.”
Now we all know that this sovereignty mumbu jumbo is just a smokescreen to deflect the Court’s attention from the main issue. What is really at play is the uncertain meaning of the obscure ‘pari passu’ clause in the context of sovereign debt contracts.
The court has been alive to this problem since I pioneered both the use of the parri passu clause and then the strident criticism of its inherent ambiguities in an eerily similar dispute many years ago. That was, of course, when I was acting for the good people of the Chincha Islands (a humble archipelago close to the Peruvian town of Pisco – the home of the eponymous aphrodisiac) in their infamous Guano Bonds litigation.
It is a matter of public record that, in the earlier 1980s, the Chincha Islands issued millions of dollars worth of bearer bonds to retail investors in the South West United States backed only by its local guano deposits. When the first of the holders, a humble share cropper from New Mexico called Reynold if I recall, attempted to redeem his tranche of bonds (with a face value of no more than $1,000), the Chincha Islands promptly defaulted as the previously abundant supply of guano had, as it turned out, been thoroughly exhausted some forty years previous.
Instructed and summoned across the Pacific Ocean with all haste by the military junta that controlled the Chinchas at the time, I was able to resist against enforcement of an implied sovereign guarantee by arguing both limbs of the defence now in use by Blackman. In short, my argument was as follows:

  1. the parri passu clause in any Chincha law document had to be read in light of the practice of skull binding that was widespread within the Paracas culture that thrived in the region around 300 BC; and
  2. to require the Chincha government to pay the face value of the bonds would be the worst attack on Chincha sovereignty since Isabel II seized the islands in 1864.
Needless to say that the US 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals was wowed by my argument and though, ultimately unsuccessful, I received private congratulations from a slim majority of the Bench for my ingenuity and the quality craftsmanship of the paper mache skulls I tendered to demonstrate the long term implications of skull binding. My two-headed (though unbound) defence strategy is still taught in all law schools in South America (no doubt Blackman topped his class in this subject!).
We now wait to see whether the law has developed enough in the intervening years for the inherent rightness of this defence to be recognised by the Court. Mr Blackman will have my eternal thanks if he is able to put to bed the wrongs of the past. For the record the good people of the Chincha’s took the loss in the Guano Bonds matter in their stride and pressed on with appeal after appeal; the final outcome of which is still bogged down in the US legal system though it is said to be the subject of an upcoming episode of SVU.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Book Extract: From Chaloner Chute to Sir Loveban Lislebone Long: A History of 16th and 17th Century Lawmen with Riotous Names

Sir William Whorwood (c.1500-1545)

Sir William was not only fabulously named but he was one of the most significant lawmen of his time, acting as both Solicitor General (he replaced Richard Rich whom we have described earlier in this book) and then Attorney General under the reign of King Henry VIII.

Sir William’s father John, formerly John Percy, had been bestowed the name “Whorwood” by Richard III in 1484 in recognition of his family’s ownership of a popular “Whoring Forest” near Kinver. Under the Foliatus Laws in the 1400s, whoring in England was legal only in forests and other dense woodlands, due to the lingering druidic belief that one would be safe from contracting venereal disease or the sweating sickness if one did one’s business in and around native deciduous foliage, preferably that of the European Beech. After the introduction of these laws, intrepid entrepreneurs such as John Whorwood quickly snapped up most of England’s European Beech forests and charged merrymakers a hefty price for entry.



Wentwood Forest in South Wales, though technically a dense woodland, was a popular "forest of ill-repute" in 16th Century Britain.

Upon his father’s passing, the stable cash-flows provided to Sir William from his Whoring Forest allowed him the security to concentrate on his legal studies. Sir William took to the law with relish and his fantastic success as a lawman saw him become a man of great means. Sir William ultimately bought the manor of Kinver with Stourton as well as the rectory impropriate, quite a step up from the tree-house bordello his father had once occupied!

Sir William was survived by two (2) daughters:

a) Anne who married a man named Ambrose Dudley who was almost certainly a West Indian fast bowler; and

b) Margaret, who married Thomas Throckmorton, with whom we deal with in chapter 7.

Artist's impression of Ambrose Dudley

Friday, September 3, 2010

Alternative Dispute Resolution

Our cousins across the pacific (hereafter “Americans” and “The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World”) consider themselves innovators. To give them their credit, it is true that Americans invented the internet, global warming and many of the socially disruptive forms of devil music that currently plague our wireless airwaves and encourage our young people into risky romantic encounters with drugs and hipsters like Natasha Stott-Despoja.

Indeed, after hearing that it was recently (sensibly) suggested that a contractual dispute be determined by a man vs werewolf push up competition (Werewolf Pushups ADR) one might be forgiven for thinking that The People That Brought Everybody Loves Raymond Into the World were legal innovators. However, keen readers of the Whitelocke loose-leaf service would be well aware of some of the more innovative alternative dispute mechanisms I have used over the years, that long pre-dated contractually decisive feats of strength between man and werewolf.

While I am famed* for my assiduously litigious nature** and would never actively seek to circumvent the long and expensive court process, I have on behalf of others applied my mind towards engineering innovative alternative dispute resolution solutions.

For example, in 1964 I suggested that a seemingly intractable joint venture company deadlock dispute be settled by a “Race Around the World”. The Race garnered national media attention and proved a highly successful outcome for my client the Bank of Adelaide. Immediately after the counter-party to the dispute, Robert Holmes à Court , left Australia, the Bank petitioned the Court for a just and equitable winding up of the joint venture company due to the likelihood that the ravages of dysentery and various local wars in Africa and Central America would almost certainly see Mr Holmes à Court perish during the race. My client was able to complete the purchase of the remaining 50% of the shares at fire-sale prices before Robert would return to Australia to national celebrity but financial ruin. I was the first to throw the confetti at his welcome back ticker-tape parade and to this day we remain the firmest of friends.

In the mid-90’s I pioneered the use of the following clause for all dispute resolution:

1.1 Notification of Disputes
(a) A party must not commence any arbitration or court proceedings relating to any material dispute arising out of or relating to this deed (Dispute) unless it has complied with the provisions of this clause.

(b) A party claiming that a Dispute has arisen must give written notice to the other party stating that a Dispute has arisen and setting out the nature of the Dispute (Dispute Notice).

(c) Within 25 Business Days of receipt of a Dispute Notice, each party must nominate 13 current employees of the legal representatives who acted for that party in connection with the deed the sublect of the Dispute (Team) and give written notice to each other party of the identity of those representatives.

1.2 Dispute Resolution
(a) Within 20 Business Days of the date of a Dispute Notice, each Team must meet at Lang Park (the Cauldron) to resolve the Dispute by playing 80 minutes of rugby league (the Match). All aspects of the Match, except the fact of its occurrence, must be kept confidential and all communications and interaction between representatives at the Match are made under “State of Origin” conditions, including (without limitation) by taking one game at a time, on a without prejudice mate vs mate, state vs state basis and, to the maximum extent permitted by law, the Match will not be subject to review by the NSWRL Judiciary or other Judicial Body.

(b) The result of the Match is final and binding upon the parties and is not subject to review or appeal except in the case of manifest video referee error of fact.



During the wonderful period in the 90s when this clause was considered boilerplate in many commercial contracts, I employed the following people on part time or casual basis:

Mail room

Terry “the Axe” Gillmeister

John Lomax

Glen Lazarus

Quentin Pongia

Ruben Wiki

Jarrod McCracken

Gordon Tallis

Catering

David “Cement” Gillespie (made a surprisingly good latte’)

Paul Sironen

Hitro Okesene

Aussie Joe Bugner

Jonah Lomu

Va'aiga Tuigamala

Foreign counsel (not Australia Qualified)

Adrian Morley

James Brian Hellwig (trading as “the Ultimate Warrior”)

The Houston Oilers’ Robert Brazile and young Baltimore linebacker Ray Lewis


The above persons, with me obviously scheming out of dummy half, ensured that all my clients successfully resolved their disputes and made it very difficult for their opponents to recover (financially and physically). The enthusiasm with which young employees like Cement, Sirro and Ray Lewis enforced exceptions to the parol evidence rule upon pasty and terrified summer clerks from other Sydney law firms was a sight to behold!




Ruben Wiki making another urgent internal mailrun


* Indeed, worshipped in Guam the spiritual home of aggresive litigation.

**Having incorrectly been deemed a vexatious litigant on any number of occasions

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: My Seven Point Roadmap

After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.

TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT

Requests for information

1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.

2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:

a. Kate Ellis;

b. Kerry O’Brien;

c. Harold Holt; and

d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.

3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.

4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).

5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.

6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.

7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.


I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.


*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro

Saturday, August 14, 2010

Eden-Monaro decides: Lady Gaga and Lady Southey onboard

My campaign for Eden-Monaro received a filup today, with colourful folk singer Lady Gaga agreeing to team up with Lady Marigold Merlyn Southey in a one off performance at my next community meet and greet at the Bermagui Indoor Sports Stadium badminton courts.

In what the local press has described as a 'poignant tribute' and 'reminiscent of Elton John's remake of Candle in the Wind' Lady Gaga has adapted the lyrics of her breath of fresh air folk pop sensation 'Alejandro' to suit the sights and sounds of this bellweather seat. Lady Southey will be on slide guitar.
Ladies Gaga and Lady Southey in rehearsals, Bermagui

A sneak peak at the lyrics below:

Eden Monaro
"I know that we are young.
And I know you may love me.
But I just can't be with you like this anymore.
Eden Monaro.

Gillard's got both hands
in your pocket.
And she won't look at you,
Won't look at you

She hides true love
En su bolsillo.
She's got Mike Kelly 'round her finger.
Around you.

You know that I love you boy.
Hot like Mexico, rejoice.
At this point you gotta choose,
nothing to lose (other than the 2042 Winter Olympics for Mt Selwyn).

Go vote my name.
Go vote my name, Eden Monaro.
David Gazard's not your babe.
Mike Kelly's not your babe, Eden Monaro.

Don't wanna kiss, don't wanna touch.
Just smoke one cigarette and hush.
Go vote my name.
Go vote my name, Eden Monaro.

Eden Monaro.
Eden Monaro.
Eden-Mon-aro.
Eden-Mon-aro. [2x]

(Just stop. Please. Just let me go. Eden Monaro. Just let me go.)"

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Song

Dear Eden-Monarists,

I am pleased to announce the release of my official campaign song: “Everything I do, I do it for Eden-Monaro”. The song is performed by Vanessa Amorosi backed by the original Brumbies Choir and a group of prominent locals (including famous mother and daughter Big Brother contestants Krystal and Karen and racing car driver Mark Webber – Whose performance in a recent Canberra Milk add alerted me to his talents) and was co-written by myself, Bryan Adams and Kevin Costner. As you can see, the song powerfully blends a traditional love ballad with the three concepts dearest to my heart: Real Action, Moving Forward and Eden-Monaro.

The song will be available for purchase on a Limited Edition "Eden-Monaro Decides 2010" vinyl in all good retailers from this weekend. The B-Sides on the record are me performing acapella duets with Rolf Harris of traditional Eden-Monaro folksongs including "Bump me into Parliament", "Eugowra Rocks", "Murrumbidgee Shearer" and "Nine Miles from Gundagai".

Lyrics are below:

Look into my eyes - Eden-Monaro will see
What Eden-Monaro mean to me
Search Eden-Monaro heart - search Eden-Monaro soul
And when Eden-Monaro find me there Eden-Monaro'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
Eden-Monaro know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

Look into Eden-Monaro heart - Eden-Monaro will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

There's no Real Action - like Eden-Monaro Real Action
And no other - could give more Real Action
There's nowhere - unless Eden-Monaro're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - Eden-Monaro can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for Eden-Monaro - I'd lie for Eden-Monaro
Walk the wire for Eden-Monaro - ya I'd die for Eden-Monaro

Ya know it's moving Australia forward
Everything I do - I do it for Eden-Monaro

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Timeline of Lawmanship: excerpt from 'On Lawmanship 3rd Ed.'

Gentle reader, today an excerpt from my ground-breaking instructional manual 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition', described by prominent legal commentator Rodney 'Rod' Kafer as 'the next Gatley on Libel and Slander':

'A Timeline of Lawmanship (1606 - 1858)

1606: The Duyfken, out of Holland and captained by the famously scorbutic Willem Janszoon, charted the western coast of Cape York and its crew made the first recorded landfall by Europeans on Australian soil. Bless’dly neither Janszoon, nor his compatriots Hartog, Carstensz and Tasman who came later, had any success, despite their ferocious efforts to enshrine Civil Law and an Inquisitorial Judicature in Australia. Perhaps one of the few times one can be happy that someone hadn’t read Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition!

1788: Arthur Phillip lands the first fleet in Australia and founds a new civilisation in Sydney Cove. Unfortunately Phillip lacked the advocacy skills to encourage the natives to give up their land gratefully and to resist small pox.

1804-1808: A period of social upheaval in Australia, bookended by the second Battle of Vinegar Hill and the infamous Rum Rebellion. The violence and disorder in these times was caused in part due to the poor advocacy skills of colonial leaders, tragically born 150 years too early to benefit from my teaching, and in part due to the practice of blending vinegar with rum to enable the early incarnation of the practice of “chroming”.

1829: After the efforts of brave explorers such as Matthew Flinders, Edward Eyre and Ludwig Leichardt the whole of Australia was pronounced free of any form of native papery and was finally claimed as a British territory.

1850: My alma-mata, the University of Sydney was founded. At first the only subjects taught at the Barrumatta Road campus were phrenology, physiognomy and the studies of the habits of Giglioli’s Whale however by the time I graduated one could study anything from crystal healing, iridology, the Bates method to the teachings of Erich von Daniken. This centre of learning, while poor by world standards, has increased the erudition of Australians no end and has produced a number of Australia’s finest intellects and champions of social justice: myself, John Howard, Malcolm Turnbull, Ray Martin and John Kerr.

Unfortunately a number of my sworn enemies also attended Sydney University: Gough Whitlam, Nick Farr-Jones, Anthony Mason, Glen Stevens, Garfield Barwick, Roden Cutler, Neville Wran, Dyson Heydon, Michael Kirby, Murray Gleeson, William McMahon, Phil Waugh, Sir Douglas Mawson, Geoffrey Robertson and most of all Sir Mungo William MacCallum.

It is also claimed I have been romantically involved with the following graduates of Sydney University: Clover Moore, Susan Crennan, Dame Joan Sutherlad, Ros Kelly, Jane Campion, Jenny George and Dame Leonie Kramer.

1854: Sir Charles Hotham and Robert Rede demonstrate that development of Australian advocacy and persuasion at the Eureka Stockade.

1858: Sydney and Melbourne were linked by electric telegraph. This was the beginning of the encroachment of internets of various guises into human life and the first shot fired on the Australian front in the war between man and computers.'

For more, you can buy 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition' here, for $20 plus postage.
 
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