Sunday, April 4, 2010

Timeline of Lawmanship: excerpt from 'On Lawmanship 3rd Ed.'

Gentle reader, today an excerpt from my ground-breaking instructional manual 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition', described by prominent legal commentator Rodney 'Rod' Kafer as 'the next Gatley on Libel and Slander':

'A Timeline of Lawmanship (1606 - 1858)

1606: The Duyfken, out of Holland and captained by the famously scorbutic Willem Janszoon, charted the western coast of Cape York and its crew made the first recorded landfall by Europeans on Australian soil. Bless’dly neither Janszoon, nor his compatriots Hartog, Carstensz and Tasman who came later, had any success, despite their ferocious efforts to enshrine Civil Law and an Inquisitorial Judicature in Australia. Perhaps one of the few times one can be happy that someone hadn’t read Whitelocke: On Lawmanship 3rd Edition!

1788: Arthur Phillip lands the first fleet in Australia and founds a new civilisation in Sydney Cove. Unfortunately Phillip lacked the advocacy skills to encourage the natives to give up their land gratefully and to resist small pox.

1804-1808: A period of social upheaval in Australia, bookended by the second Battle of Vinegar Hill and the infamous Rum Rebellion. The violence and disorder in these times was caused in part due to the poor advocacy skills of colonial leaders, tragically born 150 years too early to benefit from my teaching, and in part due to the practice of blending vinegar with rum to enable the early incarnation of the practice of “chroming”.

1829: After the efforts of brave explorers such as Matthew Flinders, Edward Eyre and Ludwig Leichardt the whole of Australia was pronounced free of any form of native papery and was finally claimed as a British territory.

1850: My alma-mata, the University of Sydney was founded. At first the only subjects taught at the Barrumatta Road campus were phrenology, physiognomy and the studies of the habits of Giglioli’s Whale however by the time I graduated one could study anything from crystal healing, iridology, the Bates method to the teachings of Erich von Daniken. This centre of learning, while poor by world standards, has increased the erudition of Australians no end and has produced a number of Australia’s finest intellects and champions of social justice: myself, John Howard, Malcolm Turnbull, Ray Martin and John Kerr.

Unfortunately a number of my sworn enemies also attended Sydney University: Gough Whitlam, Nick Farr-Jones, Anthony Mason, Glen Stevens, Garfield Barwick, Roden Cutler, Neville Wran, Dyson Heydon, Michael Kirby, Murray Gleeson, William McMahon, Phil Waugh, Sir Douglas Mawson, Geoffrey Robertson and most of all Sir Mungo William MacCallum.

It is also claimed I have been romantically involved with the following graduates of Sydney University: Clover Moore, Susan Crennan, Dame Joan Sutherlad, Ros Kelly, Jane Campion, Jenny George and Dame Leonie Kramer.

1854: Sir Charles Hotham and Robert Rede demonstrate that development of Australian advocacy and persuasion at the Eureka Stockade.

1858: Sydney and Melbourne were linked by electric telegraph. This was the beginning of the encroachment of internets of various guises into human life and the first shot fired on the Australian front in the war between man and computers.'

For more, you can buy 'On Lawmanship 3rd Edition' here, for $20 plus postage.

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