After another day of dilly-dallying by our elected representatives, I have decided to take real action in order to establish a workable government for Australia. I have set out below my seven non-negotiable demands which must be complied with by either party hoping to garner my crucial* support to form government. You will also find these demands nailed to the door of all churches, post offices and public restrooms in Eden-Monaro.
TO JULIA GILLARD and TONY ABBOTT
Requests for information
1. I seek access, under the ‘caretaker conventions’, to advice from Secretary of Treasury Ken Henry as to the true whereabouts of Lord Lucan, Phar Lap and Harold Holt.
2. I seek urgent briefings on subjects yet to be determined from the following persons:
a. Kate Ellis;
b. Kerry O’Brien;
c. Harold Holt; and
d. The Lion of Bradfield – Dr Brendan Nelson.
3. I seek briefings from all other caretaker Ministers, Shadow Ministers, their next of kin and all their staffers to discuss their itineraries, broken down hour by hour, for the next three years. I estimate this briefing process will take the best part of those three years.
4. I seek advice as soon as possible on your plans to work with the Parliament chefs to both improve the quality and reduce the price of lasagna. I would also like advice on timelines and actions for disbanding the Federal system of government, increasing the number of private members bills related to Heraclitus and the rule in Hadley v Baxendale, outlawing 90 second statements (or any statements for that matter shorter than 50 minutes) and “sexing up” question time (I suggest silver screen heart-throbs Tony Jones or Billy Zane be appointed Speaker of the House as a matter of urgency).
5. I seek a commitment to explore all options from both sides in regard appointing me Prime Minister, and a willingness to at least explore all options to enable the United Australia Party, notwithstanding the fact we only have one elected** representative, to reach a majority of greater than 76. Included in these considerations must be advice on how to disband the House of Representatives (except for the seat of Eden-Monaro) and have the nation governed by a combination of the Senate and Krytocracy, and a proposed timetable for this to happen.
6. I seek a commitment in writing as soon as possible that if negotiations are to take place on how to form Government, that each of you will negotiate in good faith and with the interests of Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God Queen of Australia and Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth as the only interest. In this same letter of comfort, I seek a written commitment that whoever forms majority Government will commit to a 99 year term, and for an explanation in writing in this same letter as to how this commitment to a 99 year term will be fulfilled, either by enabling legislation, force or other means.
7. I seek advice as soon as possible on a timetable and reform plan to increase political donations, repeal the un-constitutional “truth in advertising” reform, CLERP and the age limit for appointment to the High Court.
I will now be heading to my Daintree property to hunt Cassowary, a long-standing appointment with the Governor-General (unrelated to, but potentially useful in resolving , this political deadlock). I have agreed to be back in Canberra on Monday for my coronation.
*Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
** Assuming postal votes get me over the line in Eden-Monaro
Showing posts with label the United Australia Party (UAP). Show all posts
Showing posts with label the United Australia Party (UAP). Show all posts
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Tuesday, August 10, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: Extract from Campaign Launch Address
Hello readership,
As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.
Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:
“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.
While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.
It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”
As many of you know, there is a good chance that, on behalf of the United Australia Party, I will take back the bellweather seat of Eden Monaro in the upcoming Federal election. Last night was an important step towards that goal – with a glittery and glamorous bang my campaign was officially launched at the Nelligen petrol station and broadcast live around the nation.
Many of you would already have heard the reportage of this momentous event on the wireless news services, so I will keep this posting brief. Set out below is an extract from my keynote address, highlighting a key policy of mine for this election ‘Real Action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation’:
“…but enough now (for the time being) on the many, many similarities between sitting member for Eden Monaro Mike Kelly and Chairman Mao. It is probably now an appropriate time to point out the striking parallels between myself and the founding father of Eden-Monaro, the great Sir Austin Chapman. Like me, Sir Austin was born in the flamboyantly named hamlet of Bong Bong near Bowral and later became an accomplished saddler. It is a little known fact, and one that I do not widely publicise, that I regularly moonlight as the saddler for all Mohammed bin Rashid Al Maktoum’s racing operations and am highly regarded for my ornate yet surprisingly comfortable Jump Saddles. Obviously both Sir Austin and I are also both recipients of the KCMG.
While our views on the overall benefits of federation diverge, a powerful convergence of Sir Austin’s and my political viewpoints is our passionately shared belief that the national capital should be as near to the Molonglo River as possible – long considered the gateway to the empire. However, unlike Sir Austin, I have never accepted the choice of Canberra as the national capital but rather continue to believe that nearby Queanbeyan, the de facto capital of both Eden-Monaro and Australia in anyone’s language, should be accorded that honour more formally. Queanbeyan has, in my view, everything needed to be the national capital: access to the crucial trade routes of the Molonglo, Queanbeyan and Murrumbidgee Rivers, fantastic cultural institutions: such as the Royal Hotel and Riverside Plaza as well as any number of celebrity residents including David and Terrence Campese, Joe Janiak and my life-long friend and drama pupil George Lazenby.
It is against that background that tonight I announce the third prong in my Eden-Monaro election promise trident. The first two prongs of our election campaign you know well: they are our widely discussed policies of ‘Real Action on bringing the 2042 Winter Olympics to Mount Selwyn’ and ‘Real Action on restocking the dwindling population of that most elegant of piscatorial delicacies, European Carp, in the waters in and around Eden-Monaro’. The third prong of our campaign, and no doubt the clincher for the various fence-sitting ‘undecideds’ in this electorate and the rest of the nation is thus: to have Queanbeyan installed as Australia’s capital city by no later than November 2010. The United Australia Party represents real action on recognising Queanbeyan as the beating political and economic heart of the nation.”
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Eden-Monaro Decides: Campaign Update
As part of my campaign for the rustbelt seat of Eden-Monaro I will be broadcasting news from the electioneering coalface. Below is an extract from today’s Queanbeyan Tribune:
* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.
QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?
BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.
QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?
BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.
QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.
BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.
[continues]
* * * * * * *
After our stories on sitting member Dr Mike Kelly (ALP), popular local traffic controller Frank Fragiacomo (Independent) and Ursula Bennett (Christian Democrat), we now turn to a non-resident celebrity candidate who is being parachuted into Eden-Monaro by the United Australia Party (which was hitherto considered disbanded since 1945) - Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C. a famous barrister and author.
QT: Mr Whitelocke, you’re regarded as a legend in the Australian Liberal Party for your service as a senator for the Northern Territory both in office and in opposition during the Menzies and Whitlam Governments, why then would you to run in a crucial bell-wether seat against a Liberal Party candidate?
BW: I had intended to run as an independent like my dear friend Kevin Rudd, but deep in the cockles of my heart, I have simply never recognised the dissolution of the United Australia Party and the formation of the Liberal Party. As such I had little choice but to run under the UAP banner. I know for a fact Stanley Bruce and Billy Hughes agree with my version of history and can now finally rest in peace. Secondly, it is routinely said that the party that wins Eden-Monaro will win government, that’s why the United Australia Party is putting forward its best candidate in this seat.
QT: So the United Australia Party has other candidates?
BW: Not at present but if we win government I imagine there will be a flight to quality.
QT: What do you say to local people who will argue a person who has never been to many parts of Eden-Monaro is poorly equipped to represent its people in parliament.
BW: Firstly I will rarely have to answer those questions as I do not and will not live in the electorate. Secondly there is no question I was a fine senator for the Northern Territory despite having never been further north in Australia than Palm Beach on Sydney’s outskirts. Thirdly, as a King’s Counsel, celebrated philosopher, twice nominated Spirit Man of the Nagoya Shrine and the current Chalker of the Cerne Abbass Giant, the profile and media attention I will bring to the electorate will be fantastic for local business and tourism (until of course, prospective tourists realise I live in Sydney). Think of the hype if I organised a game of field polo on Seifert Oval or delivered an impromptu recital of the Tenterfield Oration on the main street of Braidwood. This would be an incredible boon for the region.
[continues]
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