Ask Bullstrode: What to wear to a Masquerade Ball

On the urging of the good people of Wollongong, I have decided to re-enliven my much loved advice column, featured in the Society Pages of the Illawarra Mercury in the 1980’s, entitled “Ask Bullstrode”. In its heyday, my column was the Blackstone’s commentaries of the self-help world, answering any and all questions posed by my readership on topics of importance to the people of the Illawarra, including relationship advice and, of course, statutory interpretation.

If you have any problemn that you simply cannot resolve, like that of young Jeremey Tompkins set out below, please do not hesitate to write me at Level 8, Albert Bathurst Piddington Chambers, 177 Phillip Street Sydney 2000, or at bullstrodewhitelocke@hotmail.com

Dear Mr Whitelocke [K.C.],

I have been invited to a 'Masquerade' Ball which is being held at Doltone House in a few weeks' time. Not having been to an event such as this before, and keenly aware of the need, as an Officer of the Court, to preserve my dignity and decorum, I wonder would you be so good as to give me some direction as to what I should wear?

Many thanks,

Jeremy Tompkins, Randwick.

Dear Jeremy,

Indeed a good, and important, question. Thank you for having the good sense to have sought my advice. I first attended a masquerade ball at Palazzo Labia in Venice in 1951, which was hosted by my dear friend and long time bocce rival Carlos “the Jackal” de Beistegui. This was a surprisingly riotous affair after which I was wrongly accused of all sorts of nefarious acts. Nevertheless, the tangible social and legal benefits, and the endless possibilities arising out, of being masked in public were made abundantly clear to me that fateful night.

Despite my profound enjoyment of this form of recreation in my youth, I have unfortunately not been to a masquerade ball since Lionel Murphy’s 40th birthday party in 1962. That soiree was billed as the party of the year. Emboldened by the spirit of the times, I foolishly attended disguised as the redoubtable 1920’s Country Party Leader Earle Page. As was all too predictable with the benefit of hindsight, I was immediately set upon and beaten viciously by environmentalists, hipsters and other Labor Party apparatchiks. Since that time, I have frankly been too scared to attend any event where I cannot be certain that such lowlifes are not in attendance (the other edge to the double edged sword of being masked in public).

I do remain, however, Australia’s foremost expert on appropriate dress at masquerade balls. In your case sir, as an officer of the court, common decency would demand that you strictly adhere to the dress code laid down by the 18th Century ducal court of Burgundy. As I’m sure you’re aware, this will mean you should wear a Van Dyke beard, a venetian carnival mask and have the rest of your costume made entirely from flax and pitch. Presumably this is what you were planning to wear in any case.

Kind regards,

Bullstrode Whitelocke K.C.

Tips on improving your appearance

Historically, a successful lawman could expect to live a life in the law without any concern for his appearance. When I was first called to the Bar, it was not uncommon for barristers to communicate with clients, instructing solicitors and even their dry cleaners solely in writing, a dignified practice that I maintained well into the 1970s. However, with the increasing proliferation of bi-focal spectacles, a lawman’s appearance has become as important as small feet in the orient.

As a famous flâneur, looking like a distinguished and handsome advocate has always come easily to me, but others must work at it. That being said, I have never been one to rest on my laurels and have stridently worked towards self-improvement. I was lucky enough to begin greying around the temples at age 17, and, indeed, in my halcyon days was known as the “Silver Canetoad” around the Union Club. I am now blessed with probably the thickest head of hair of any septuagenarian in Australia. Rest on my profuse, hoary laurels I do not, however, and through dedication and the constant application of lemon juice and a curling iron, I have managed to train my hair to grow in the colour, texture and style of a judicial wig. This natural hairpiece gives me around-the-clock gravitas, whether I am drafting, hunting or even just visiting the corner store. This style will also facilitate my inevitable elevation to the bench, subject of course to the necessary Constitutional amendments.

But Bullstrode, I hear you ask, are the advertisements correct? Must we cleanse and exfoliate to prevent the seven signs of aging?

This question is misguided on two fronts. First, you must never ever refer to me as Bullstrode, even to your family. I will not say this again. Second, aging is not to be discouraged. I implore you to do what you can to prematurely age your face. Colourful media personality Ian “Molly” Meldrum used to spend long hours in front of industrial grade heaters, periodically basting his face with a tonic of ammonia and basil pesto, to obvious effect. His inexorable rise in the face of a manifest lack of talent and suspected communist sympathies should be all the proof you need. For the junior lawman, I suggest rampant whoring, a well trimmed moustache and a nightly bottle of Harvey’s Bristol cream.


Ian 'Molly' Meldrum - the face that has launched 1000 ships

Remember to be handsome

Let’s be very clear on something, I am no fan of President Obama. This a notorious fact. I prefer more wholesome and family orientated American politicians like my good friend Governor Mark Sandford. Nevertheless, the brouhaha caused by President Obama’s cancelled visit to Australia is an important reminder to all of us that to be successful in the public eye, one must be fetching.

As I described in painstaking detail in On Lawmanship, for men aspiring to greatness, the importance of a pleasant countenance is not a new development. Looks have been an important aspect of advocacy and persuasion since the birth of Julian of Norwich in 1342 at which time man first became able to discern the pleasant from the repulsive. Indeed, the great persuader himself, Heraclitus, was considered almost supernaturally handsome.

So gentle readers, if you want to be successful and popular in Australia make sure you look good at all times!


My dear, dear friend John Winston’s enduring popularity was no accident.