Finally my time has come!

Exciting news friends!

After years of politicking, lobbying, campaigning and generally greasing the palms of almost every single voter in the state, I have finally succeeded in removing the last barrier to my long overdue elevation to the Bench.

Last week, my bitter enemies in the Victorian State Government, to their deep chagrin, finally passed the Equal Opportunity Act 2010 (Act).

As a result of my relentless energy, the Act has removed a number of clearly unconstitutional exceptions to unlawful behaviour, the most important of which is the compulsory retirement of judicial officers . Grey power is back!

Blessedly, I am now able to be, and no doubt soon will be, elevated to the Bench! It has been a lasting regret of mine that, despite my brief stint on the Midwifery Tribunal in the late 1950’s I never chose to accept the many offers I received to take a seat on the Bench before I turned 75. The rejections, largely driven by my hatred of Sir Garfield Barwick and my refusal to sit down in public, were reasonable, but have nevertheless left a deep longing in both my loins and heart. Despite having never practiced law in Victoria and the likelihood that I will be the stately age of 91 when the amendments come into effect, now is finally my time to put yet another indelible stamp on Australia’s common law.

I imagine this amendment is the first domino and soon enough this type of legislation will follow throughout the country and within the next decade I will be able to be the first ever centenarian High Court judge.

Soon I will take my place alongside Võ Nguyên Giáp, Kathleen Ollerenshaw, Huang Hua and Michel Mohrt as one of the great older persons of the present day.

Tragically, however, a terrible bi-product of my furious criticism of the Victorian Equal Opportunities Act has been the removal of the exception permitting workplaces to set the standards of dress and behaviour in a way considered “discriminatory”. I am reserving my right to pursue legal action against the Victorian Government if they attempt to ban the wasp-waist frock coat amongst my otherwise disgracefully unpresentable readers.