Monday, August 16, 2010

Eden-Monaro decides: Further Policy Initiatives

Having just received the latest Nielson Poll, which sees me an alarming 48 points behind my enemies Gazard and Kelly, I have decided to announce some non-costed, last-minute policy initiatives which I sincerely believe should give me the necessary bump over the line:

a) Literal barrels of pork for every man, woman and child in Eden-Monaro. The pork is sourced entirely from Tantawangalo farmers and, like the Labor government’s economic stimulus package, will also be paid to expatriots and the recently deceased;

b) I will build a first-class graduate research university in Tumut. This university will be based on INSEAD but will instead be called “INSTAD” (which stands for Institut Tumut d'Administration des Affaires). Classes will be entirely taught in French and the only courses available will be a PhD in Philology, PhD in Seneca the Younger and a PhD in Lucretius. Tuition will start at $42,000 per annum (note: there will be no HECS places); and

c) I will create a scheme to collect water from the Snowy Mountains. This brilliant idea will see us finally utilising Eden-Monaro’s natural resources for financial gain! I propose to divert water through tunnels in the mountains and then store it in dams (This will have the added benefit of increasing the possible habitats for European Carp). Power stations will then use this water to create electricity with any excess water pumped back into the Murrumbidgee River. I estimate that, all up, this project will take twenty-five years to complete and cost approximately $820,000,000. It will also lead to massive migration into Eden-Monaro which, while being superficially inconsistent with my radical views on immigration, will ultimately help us build the type of standing army required to secede from the Commonwealth.

If none of these strategies work, I will be hoping Mark Latham’s televised plea for people to hand in blank ballot forms is successful. This idea is based, I assume, on my dear friend Richard Pryor’s unorthodox 1985 New York mayoral campaign - A television news article on which is set out below. The reason this course of action would have such a profound impact on my campaign is because my “core” typically watch repeats of Gardening Australia rather than commercial television on a Sunday night and are therefore likely to be immune from Latham’s undoubtable charms.

Richard’s groundbreaking campaign strategy

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