Monday, March 15, 2010

Brand new legal rap tune

Gentle reader, a further contribution to Australia's artistic community. After perusing an internet blog site I have found an impressive legal rap. You can listen here.

If you are perusing this internet blog site whilst in Court hearing a plea in mitigation, the words are set out below. Enjoy.

Vexatious Litigation

Better shout out cos I'm the lawyer your mum warned you about
I push the boundaries of reasonable doubt
I never cite cases from the authorised reports,
I ignore the compensatory nature of damages in torts

I'm a Methodist like Method-Man and Garfield Barwick
I'll make your hairs stand up like Alfalfa's cowlick
My rhymes res ipsa loquitur but I drop them any way,
like a Spanish inquisitor with my legal communique

You got in my way, you tasted my fury, ya
should have remembered volenti non fit injuria
Australia's not ready for what it's about to hear
we're unwelcome intruders like snails in ginger beer

You all just heard what fell from my brother
so don't waste your time listening to another
fool, this rhyme represents our agreement in full
Haven't you heard of the parol evidence rule.

I've got a fiduciary duty to our legal community
I'm sick of impunity in our land of opportunity
I need to bring back legal rap and some high-falutin
language coz current rap tracks our brains are polluting

Don't think this is rehearsed, my rhymes are ad hoc
I deny liability for non-proximate nervous shock
The floodgates have opened, I know it's a furphy
But so was the appointment of Lionel K. Murphy


You fear me, and how I conjugate
recitals and then boilerplate
This is not barratry, this is old school law
Like when cannon and common law were joined before.

There's no corrigenda to my deadly agenda
Your position is parlous like an unsecured lender
Get ready for the remainder of my bill of attainder
there's plenty of pain and it's all in the detainder

I'm an inveterate pantsman like Mr Teoh
So don't apply a purposive construction to my flow
If you do you'll accuse me of textual harassment
your ineffectual rhymes cause significant embarrassment

Other Law rappers give up before they start
Like Albert Bathurst Piddington, they don't have the heart to take me on, I diss consonants just because
Like Justice Isaac Isaacs, (as he then was!)


Excuse yourself; then recuse yourself
my flow is so confusing you'll lose yourself
but my rhymes come from precedent ands they're all top shelf
there's no antecedent and they're bad for your health.

I only smoke; the best carbolic
And make Lord Denning look like he's afraid of a frolic
of hyperbolic language to drive home my point
through legal jargon and dissertations that never disappoint

We work the private sector you know what I'm saying,
Like Verwayen (The Commonwealth v Verwayen (1990) 170 CLR 394 per Deane J), the Commonwealth just is not paying.
You've never met a rap advocate so perspicacious
that's why you're unwelcome like a litigant vexatious.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander
and it's seriously good like a young matts Willanders
but it is also interesting, and articulate and a
particularly erudite treatise like Gatley on Libel and Slander

I ride an omnibus everyday,
from Clapham to Murray island in the Torres straight
I've got juridical dicta coming out of my sphincter
I'm a force majeure I'm hard to predict

Current legal practice is in the midst of a crisis
Whither our respect for stare decisis?
Rap's (dis)respect for precedent is a notorious fact
Much like the existence of the Judicature Act

Against my verbosity there can be no injunction
Protection of liberty! That's law's paramount function
Your offer you made, my acceptance was sent
My knowledge of doctrine rivals Palmer on Bailment

You're Dennis Denuto to my William Blackstone
or Lionel Hutz to my junior Wendell Holmes
I'm the Torrens system, you're old school patroon
you're soon feel the pain of my doctrinal harpoons

Don't think it's rehearsed, my rhymes are ex temp
your rhymes are the worst but you know that I emp-
athise I'm all about helping out little guys
a modern Jeremy Bentham I'm here to advise

like William Jennings Bryan you're relying on tenets
You don't represent, you're like the senate
Our bicameral system is over the top you see
that's why I pray day and night for Krytocracy

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